A couple of people I know are having trouble with
‘face doesn’t fit’ syndrome right now. You know what I mean – your personality, values, dress-sense, whatever, isn’t a match for the prevailing culture (be it corporate or social) and no matter how hard you try, nothing you ever do is appreciated. The short answer, of course, would be to advise them to high-tail it out of there with indecent haste, but that in itself wouldn’t address the deeper issue - if your face doesn’t fit, why exactly would you be hanging around there?
We can all drag out the usual excuses of economic reasons, convenience, duty and responsibility, but the bottom line is we stay somewhere that’s painful because a part of us cannot let go, even when we want to. We want to prove ourselves – to get have our skills, our talents, our beauty, our contribution recognised – but no matter what we throw at it, it’s all good energy after bad. It seems unfair – and it is unfair – yet the longer we get hung up on who’s right and who’s wrong, the longer we avoid facing the basic question of ‘why am I trying to get the approval of people who don’t appreciate me?’.
Life really can be like
Groundhog Day if we don’t get to the bottom of the essential question. We can get on our high horse, decide to blame those who failed to appreciate us, then move on to somewhere else where we’ll just replicate exactly the same pattern or we can start to look at what remains unhealed in us that causes us to find ourselves in those kinds of situations.
When you’re still looking to an outside source to give you the approval you crave, you can only find yourself in yet another dysfunctional family. The bad news is all families are dysfunctional, because in our humanness the love and approval we give and receive is conditional. Unconditional love is the preserve of the divine. The good news is that some environments are less dysfunctional than others. If you want to start moving up the scale from ‘face doesn’t fit’ to ‘welcome on board’, you’ll need to start giving yourself the love and acceptance that the world cannot give you.
We chase love and approval in all our relationships – at home, at work, in friendships and even in the most passing of acquaintances – yet what we chase can never be fully received until we are accepting of ourselves. We seem hard-wired to run around trying to get everyone to love us, but it’s only when we genuinely love ourselves that they really will too. Yeah, paradox sucks, but that’s the way it is.
When we care more for the opinion of others than we do for ourselves, we keep showing up in places where we’re not appreciated, as though by getting someone new to approve of us we’ll heal the old wounds of when we weren’t accepted or loved for who we are. Nice thinking, but sadly it doesn’t work that way. More approval from the outside does not heal inner wounds. It papers over the cracks, but eventually those flaws will start to show again. That’s why over-achievers are never satisfied, regardless of the dizzy heights they may reach in their ambitions – absolutely nothing from outside can fill the gaping hole of unworthiness inside.
Tedious as it may seem, there’s no magic bullet – just constant vigilance to take good care of yourself and keep yourself out of harm’s way, to be kind and gentle in the way you treat yourself and to dwell more on the good things about yourself than the ones you think are bad. When you value yourself, your body, your time and your energy, others have no choice but to do the same.
When you don’t, and you stay in environments that you know are destructive for you, one of the first places to suffer will be your health. The specialist in mind/body medicine, Joan Borysenko, reminds us “If we say yes to something while our bones are screaming "NO!", we need to be aware of what that does to the body. The tension this creates immediately releases stress hormones whether we are aware of it or not. These stress hormones engage the body's fight or flight system. If we do this continuously (override our needs), we wear down our adrenals which then compromises the immune system."
Before it gets to that point, gather up your self-respect, realise that you’re chasing something you’re never going to receive and resolve to make a better choice. Sometimes it’s not even as dramatic as a choice between a difficult environment and a better one, but more that your time is done in a particular place and your further growth would be better served in a different environment.
The spiritual author, Henri Nouwen, tells of his struggle in choosing to leave a working culture that he had enjoyed, but was now no longer serving his greater purpose. He writes, “I liked teaching at Harvard and I made some beautiful friends there. At the same time, I didn’t feel Harvard was a safe place for me. It was too much podium, too much publicity, too public. Too many people came to listen for an intellectual understanding rather than spiritual insight. It was an intensely competitive place, an intellectual battle-ground. Harvard was not home. I needed a place where I could pray more. I needed to be in a community where my spiritual life would deepen in relation to others.”
He adds, “My decision to leave Harvard was a difficult one. For many months I was not sure if I would be following or betraying my vocation by leaving. The outer voices kept saying ‘You can do so much good here. People need you!’. The inner voices kept saying ‘What good is it to preach the gospel to others while losing your own soul?’. Finally I realised that my increasing darkness, my feelings of rejection, my inordinate need for affirmation and affection, and my deep sense of not belonging were clear signs that I was not following the way of God’s spirit. The fruits of the spirit are not sadness, loneliness and separation, but joy, solitude, community and ministry. As soon as I left Harvard, I felt so much inner freedom, so much joy and new energy, that I could look back on my former life as a prison in which I had locked myself.”
This week, observe yourself closely for where you are seeking the approval of others, particularly in places where you’re not appreciated. Are you locking yourself in a prison? If you’re a square peg, what are you doing hanging out with the round holes? Why aren’t you looking for a somewhere with a lot of other square pegs? If your face doesn’t fit, find somewhere that it does. And before you go, take a close look at the unhealed issues that landed you in a place like that. They’ve come up for healing, so don’t suppress them or you’ll just find yourself back in a similar prison some time soon.
Give yourself a lot of love this week. Speak kindly to yourself. Drop the criticism. Look in the mirror and smile – don’t count the wrinkles. Remember the good things about yourself and forget the rest. Take a holiday from self-criticism. Give yourself something you’ve been depriving yourself of for a while – maybe it’s a day out, a massage, some new clothes or time alone. It doesn’t have to be expensive, just let it be an action that clearly says you value yourself.
And while you’re at it, say ‘no’ to something you don’t want to do – strong self-worth is as much about saying ‘no’ to what you don’t want as it is saying ‘yes’ to what you do want. Be your fabulous self and love who that is. Dust off the ‘I Am Fabulous’ mantra and give it another whirl. Say it like you mean it – when you believe it, everyone else will too.
Finally, here’s an open letter from James Arthur Ray, author of
Harmonic Wealth, to the newly-incumbent President Obama. You might find some inspiration and insight for these troubled times there …
http://blog.jamesray.com/2009/01/open-letter-to-president-obama.html?utm_source=president20090126&utm_medium=content&utm_campaign=BlastClick through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com/. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com/. All material ©2009 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.
Apologies for the radio silence last week. As Fab Towers is plagued by technical difficulties, ie another dead laptop, we’re throwing caution to the wind and becoming even more techie by joining the flock of Twitterers. 
As a regular reader, you'll know the writing process – as I experience it – tends to be rather serendipitous. If I hang around at the keyboard long enough, something tends to turn up. This evening, feeling rather frazzled from the first day on a new project, inspiration appeared to be in short supply. Still, using my tried and true technique, I hung around for a bit and exactly what I needed dropped in my lap. 
