The Heart Of The Matter

This week, folks, we’re dealing with the universal question of self-esteem and the way it manifests in relationship. I could just do a riff on that, but having received a really touching message asking for some inspiration, it reminds me that some questions apply to us all. You may not be experiencing exactly these circumstances, but somewhere, somehow there’s a good chance that your own self-worth isn’t entirely weatherproof. If we take a look at one person’s story, we’ll see our own reflected there too. Time for a Coach Fab moment ...

Dear Coach Fabulous

I’m really not lucky when it comes to affairs of the heart. I’ve had two failed relationships and it really pains me, because until now, I still have nightmares. I was traumatised by the bad experiences that I had and could not move on. My first relationship was a failure, the man I married left me because we couldn't have a child and his mother was affecting all of his family decisions. It was extremely painful and left me wondering if I really deserved it.

After him, I met the second man in my life. I loved him so much, accepted him for what he was and we had two children. I have to admit that I fell in love easily with a person I really didn’t know. I lived with him for a year and was able to see his worst and best attitudes. I gave him my best and helped him financially to sustain the growing needs of our children.

Suddenly, I felt that he was trying to control me, trying to take away all of my money which was hard-earned and he was becoming jealous of my children. I felt his coldness, felt that he didn't care. He came home late and only talked about me being always wrong, criticizing my every move.
I almost lost my self-esteem entirely, and I felt extremely humiliated, even by his family. What’s worse is that I've heard from his sister that he didn’t love me and he informed them that I couldn't give him the things that he wanted. Unfortunately, those things he wanted were just material things that would make him happy and make him stay with me. I couldn't help but cry because I know that it's my fault that I fell in love so easily. Most of the time, I easily trust others.

I'm living as a solo parent now, with my mom who has been constantly helping me a lot, and somehow I feel I’ve lost the ‘spark’. I feel the stiffness of my heart and it shows in my eyes. I’ve been lonely for the longest time. Lonely not because I don’t have a partner in life, but because even now, I'm not completely healed from the bruises of my past relationships. He just left me, broken, no sorry, no apology, no nothing.

I need you to shed some light for me - please help me move on and forgive. I love my children more than my life and I hope that I will be able to give them love at all times even though their father left us and doesn’t even think of giving financial support.

Broken

Dear Broken

First of all, let’s clear up some terminology. You might be heart-broken, but you’re not broken. Not by a long shot. You’re a mother trying her very best to hold it together and provide for your children and even after all you’ve been through, you’re looking to find a way to forgive. That’s nowhere near broken in my book.

What shouts loudest to me from your letter is the heavy dose of blame you’ve laid upon yourself for the circumstances you’ve experienced. It’s not helping. Yes, it’s absolutely about taking responsibility for the part you’ve played in how you got to this point, but responsibility recognises that you did the best you knew how at the time and now seeks to find a way to learn from the experience. If you stay in blame (of yourself, the other person or fate), nothing is going to heal anytime soon.

It’s a really important step that you’ve chosen to ask for an outside viewpoint, because you know you don’t want to keep doing the same thing and getting the same results, or take a ‘why me?’ victim stance. It means that while you feel your heart is hardening, there’s a part of it that’s still open to possibility. Take great pride in the fact that your experiences have not made you bitter. You’ve struggled with them and they’ve challenged your trust, but you’re still willing to try to stay open-hearted.

Without blame, let’s look at the fundamental issues here. First of all, no relationship is a failure. We don’t always know why we get together with people. Sometimes they bring us joy, sometimes we learn tough lessons in relationship and not all of them are meant to last. The relationship you thought was the worst might well have been the one that taught you the most, even if it simply taught you that you’d never put up with that again.

There is a paradox going on here that we all fall prey to – that of like meeting like, but in a perverse way. We think that if we give all the time, that will be rewarded or met by a partner who is equally giving. Wrong. That kind of giving – which is in essence low self-worth manifesting as a way of ‘earning’ love – is actually energetically matched by someone who holds you in similar low esteem and is more interested in taking than giving.

There’s a comedy skit on YouTube called BadMatch.com that perfectly illustrates this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k2q1LQBwhg). The woman says to camera “I don’t think I’m worth very much” and her boyfriend chips in “She’s not”. That’s exactly the dynamic we’re talking about – the people in your life will reflect the deepest feelings you hold about yourself. At heart, whether you know it consciously or not, a part of you does not think you deserve any better. This is the part we are going to love into submission.

We all have that issue, to a greater or lesser degree. Don’t think that this is something you’re doing that’s different to or worse than anyone else. You think you fall in love too easily, but I suspect that your battered heart just wants to rest somewhere and feel loved, because there’s precious little love going on inside for yourself. Not having the deadbeat dad around to criticise you and make you feel even worse about yourself is a gift. Use this time to heal and don’t try to escape into another relationship too soon. I know you’re lonely, things are tough and you could really do with some comfort, but while you’re feeling so bad about yourself you’re unlikely to draw someone into your life who would treat you well and you certainly don’t want more of what you’ve already had.

The recipe to heal and ultimately to forgive, is to really get that it’s not about blame but about realisation. Think of this as relationship 101 – we are really only ever in relationship with our deepest opinion of ourselves. On a spiritual level, our partners hold up a mirror for us in which our own self-love is reflected. If we want better relationships, we need to hold ourselves in better esteem so that others will too. When we really get that our partner was matching some part of us where we feel unlovable, undesirable or unworthy, then we can get on with the business of healing and eventually forgiving. Don’t rush to forgiveness until you really feel it. That’s another detour where you can mask pain by pretending to have healed before you’ve actually let go of the hurt – sooner or later it will burst open again and it won’t be pretty. Clean the wound thoroughly before you put a band-aid on it. Be honest with yourself and don’t try to be ‘good’ or forgiving when you don’t feel like it.

What’s enormously hopeful here is that you have it in your power to make very different choices for yourself. Your spark has gone because your love for yourself has gone. All you’re seeing is failure and you’re blaming yourself for it. To move on from this, look at what’s gone before with clear vision. See the ways you abandoned yourself, kept on trying to please someone who treated you badly and then blamed yourself for not receiving love in return. Yes, you chose someone who didn’t know how to love, but we’ve all done that. The real issue is that you don’t know how to love yourself. Sacrifice is not love. There’s a reason why they tell parents to put on their own oxygen masks first in the event of a plane crash – you’re no good to anyone unless you take care of yourself.

How do you start loving yourself? That’s probably one of the toughest questions on this earth, but the answer comes in a million little ways. Self-worth is built stone-by-stone, moment by moment, in the way you speak to yourself, in the way you treat yourself, in the choices you make that help you to feel good about yourself. Here are some basic building blocks to be getting on with:

• Every time you look in the mirror, find something to like about yourself. Cut the criticism dead. Just stop doing it. If it happens, make yourself find something to like. It’s just a bad habit you need to break. Just cutting out the self-attack will take the heat off. If someone else criticises you, don’t collude with them by believing it. For the most part people’s criticism says more about them and their fears than it does about you.
  
• Watch how you abandon yourself and say ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’. Make a new habit of not doing things to please others when you don’t really want to do them. This is a big one. No excuses – just say no. Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’ to your children either – their self-esteem comes partly from how you model your own self-worth. Show them you value yourself so they will learn to do the same for themselves.

• Start doing things you love, that make you feel really yourself. They don’t have to be expensive, but they do have to be fun.
  
• Hang out with people who like you and show you that. Get your close friends to tell you what they love about you. Maybe you have some great qualities you don’t even realise you have.
  
• Give yourself treats. Make them small and make them often. Make them treats of time, of luxury, of joy, of creativity – whatever it is that you need and value most. Each little gift to yourself sends a message to your deepest self that you really value it and honour it.
  
• Get a mantra that you can roll out whenever you’re feeling a little flat. You already know the ‘I Am Fabulous’ one and you can make up one of your own. Even something as simple as ‘I love and value myself’ or ‘I am loving, lovable and loved’ will work. You can up the ante on a spiritual level by saying ‘I am beloved of God and beloved on this earth’ or go for a bit of a spark with ‘I’m a hot, sexy, lovable babe’. If you want to really go for broke, this one can have you turning heads in the street if you work it with focus and attention: ‘I am a goddess – a radiant, creative, magnetic being of divine beauty, divine love and divine power’. Get creative and work up one that suits you. Whenever self-doubt creeps in, roll out one of these.
  
• Start a self-worth journal. Write up all the good stuff you’ve done, the things you like about yourself, the compliments you’ve received, what you really know to be true about yourself and return to it often when you’re not feeling at your best. Do the same with the things you’re grateful for – the more you focus on what’s good about you and your life, the more the spark will return.
  
• When you’ve done the mental makeover, get a physical one. Re-jig your wardrobe, try a new hairstyle, commit to exercise, buy some new make-up – do whatever it takes to start feeling good about yourself and your appearance. Swap clothes with friends if money’s tight. We all have something lurking in the back of the wardrobe that would look a hell of a lot better on someone else.
  
• Stay in your body and in the present moment. Your pain is in the past and you don’t want to live there. Exercise, massage, sitting in the sun, being in nature – all these things make us focus on how we feel in the here and now. Sensory and sensual things ground us and keep us out of head-spin. Resist the temptation to awful-ise, by projecting past pain into the future. Stay present and keep your focus on positive things.

The ways to love yourself are myriad and every single one of them is a choice – a choice to believe you’re worth taking care of, worth loving, worth giving time to, worth treating well. The more you make those kinds of choices, the more you build a kind of inner radiance that casts off those who don’t recognise your worth and draws to you those who do. You become lit from within and that’s totally irresistible.

Don't stay lonely waiting for Prince Charming to rescue you – get very clear that you are absolutely adorable and there will be no shortage of mirrors in the outside world keen to reflect that back to you. That’s not a fairy tale, it’s how attraction works. When you can truly see your own beauty, others cannot see anything else.

Coach Fabulous

So, Fabulistas, this week take a close look at your own current experience. If you’re having a tough time in a particular area of your life, take this opportunity to examine your beliefs about yourself. Could the people involved be reflecting back some unconscious belief you hold? What could this be showing you about your own deepest beliefs about yourself? Let this be the week you commit to giving yourself the love you deserve.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com/. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com/. All material ©2009 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.