Ringing The Changes

This year, I don’t think just wishing the new year will be better is going to cut it. Something more is being demanded of us, so a few half-hearted resolutions aren’t going to do the trick if we want real change. 2008 has been a wake-up call for all of us, but the question now is what are we going to do now that we’ve woken up?

I’d hazard a guess that getting clear on your intention of who you want to be this year will get you further than deciding what you want to do. There’s not a lot of power in a random list of stuff to do. The juice is in the strong centre of beingness from which you decide which actions to take in the world.

Browsing the shelves in a local bookshop today, I came across a book by Robin Sharma – I think called Leadership Wisdom. Flipping the pages, I saw a line – heavily paraphrased here – about how success really gets activated when your approach moves from achievement to service.

For many of us, service is a charged word, conjuring up images of servitude and little reward. Yet if we see that shift for what it truly is – shifting focus from a self-centred attitude of getting what you want to a more spiritually generous approach of offering what you came here to give for the benefit of others – then we can really see the power of that statement. You can make big waves when you’re coming from a place of enthusiasm about offering your gifts and talents for the good of the whole.

Then there’s the added magic of how the universe conspires to make things happen when there’s a positive intent behind something. Don’t be surprised if things take on a life of their own when you align your purpose with an attitude of service.

So, this week, I think that’s about all you need to know to start making your own inner shift. What kind of person do you want to be in the world in the coming year? What really are the gifts you came here to give? Is there anything really standing in your way or is it just a fear that you might not be good enough? If you’re feeling blocked, remember this is about expressing your talents and bringing something into the world that only you can offer. There’s no need for performance anxiety and you don’t even have to have a master plan. Just start doing it on whatever scale feels comfortable for you. Who knows where that might lead …

As a parting gift of inspiration from 2008, here are a couple of Chinese proverbs that have popped up in my inbox most fortuitously today:

A man’s fortune must first be changed from within.

If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person.
If there is beauty in the person, there will be harmony in the house.
If there is harmony in the house, there will be order in the nation.
If there is order in the nation, there will be peace in the world.

Have a fabulous New Year! May you be all you wish to be and live passionately on purpose in 2009.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com/. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com/. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

Clean Pain, Dirty Pain

If ever there’s a time to learn that most of the emotional pain we experience is self-inflicted, it’s Christmas. This is the time of year when we bump up against the ancient pain of dysfunctional family dynamics in technicolour, so it helps to have a reminder that we’re at choice about exactly how much suffering we experience in these encounters. We all know that it’s not what happens, but the story that you tell yourself about what happens, that determines how you feel about it.

That’s why one person can say something insulting to you and you’ll laugh it off, but when someone else does it, it activates an old dynamic and releases that charge of ancient pain that sends you spinning off into an abyss of self-attack. It pops the lid off the Pandora’s Box of stories we tell ourselves about why things happen to us. Let’s take the classic of any form of rejection as an example – maybe you didn’t get a job or you just got dumped. You are at choice. You can decide to observe that the job or the person wasn’t right for you and motor on regardless, or you can dust off an old story about how unworthy or unloveable you are and use it to sink yourself into a downward spiral of depression and self-recrimination. The choice is yours.

Psychologist Dr Steven Harvey has - through Acceptance & Commitment Therapy – defined ‘clean pain’ as the emotion we feel when something happens to us. It’s the direct experience of pain in the moment. ‘Dirty pain’, however is the result of the thoughts we have about that pain and what it means about us. It’s the story we tell ourselves about what that pain means – and this is where we endure our greatest suffering.

Coach Martha Beck notes that “The two kinds of suffering occupy different sections of the brain: one part simply registers events, while another creates a continuous stream of thoughts about those events. The vast majority of our unhappiness comes from this secondary response—not from painful reality but from painful thoughts about reality. Western psychology is just accepting something saints and mystics have taught for centuries: that this suffering ends only when we learn to detach from the thinking mind.”

She adds, “Learning to detach starts with simply noticing our own judgmental thoughts. When we find ourselves using words like should or ought, we're courting dirty pain. Obsessing about what should be rather than accepting what is, we may try to control other people in useless, dysfunctional ways. We may impotently rage against nature itself, even—perhaps especially—when that nature is our own. This amounts to mental suicide. Resisting what we can't control removes us from reality, rendering our emotions, circumstances and loved ones inaccessible. The result is a terrible emptiness, which we usually blame on our failure to get what we want. Actually, it comes from refusing to accept what we have.”

This is not a new concept for the Eastern mind, as Lama Surya Das, of the Dzogchen Tibetan tradition makes clear. He writes, “One old Buddhist saying tells us that pain is inevitable in life – but suffering, on the other hand, is optional. How much we suffer depends on us, our internal development and our spiritual understanding and realization. Our pain and suffering point out to us where we are most attached, and what we're holding onto the most; likewise, they point out how free we are. By recognizing this, we can learn to use loss and suffering in ways that help us to grow wiser and become more at peace with ourselves and the universe. Through meditation practice, we come to see that the necessary losses in life - aging, separation, sorrow and death -are inevitable. And when we learn to accept the inevitable changes, through a more graceful letting go called the wisdom of allowing, we will tremendously lessen our suffering and leave room for happiness to arise.”

This Christmas, give yourself the gift of awareness and allow yourself to only experience ‘clean’ pain, if it occurs. Give ‘dirty’ pain the week off. Pay attention to your thoughts and notice if you’re getting into ‘dirty pain’ territory. Watch the thoughts that come up when you’re dealing with old family patterns and indulge only the ones that deal realistically with the present moment. Notice where you’re reacting from old pain and projecting it into your current experience (and the future). When you see that happening, observe it and let it go. Acceptance is the key. If you can laugh at your own mental patterning, you’re heading away from suffering into the direction of acceptance, where you notice the old story but don’t give it airtime. Keep your mind as tidy as you would your house – no room for old clutter.

As an illustration of a clean mindset, here’s an extract from an interview with the musician and designer, Lenny Kravitz, from Elle Decoration. The dude has a pretty good take on life, if the answers to these questions are any indication …

What is your greatest fear?
Not fulfilling the purpose that God put me here for.

What is your greatest regret?
I don’t have any regrets. It’s all part of the journey.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I honestly don’t think I would. Not because I think I’m great, it’s just that it wouldn’t be me.

What is the quality you most admire in a person?
Soul. It sounds a bit vague, but I mean inner strength and integrity.

What’s your guilty pleasure?
If it pleases me, I don’t feel guilty about it.

How do you define style?
It comes from within. It’s someone being themselves.

And here’s a final treat to get you through the Christmas period – a slideshow of Simple Serenity tips from Oprah.com. They’re basic, but they do work - the oldies are the goodies ...

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/spirit/emotionalhealth/slideshow2_ss_personal

Happy Christmas, Joyeux Noel and Feliz Navidad!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com/. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com/. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves

It’s official – women’s happiness is more recession-proof than men’s. The recent Nielsen Global Happiness Survey found that men are happier with money, while women are happier with friendships and relationships with their children, co-workers and bosses. Nielsen’s Consumer Research VP, Bruce Paul, notes “Because they are happier with non-economic factors, women’s happiness is more recession-proof, which might explain why women around the world are happier in general than men are.”

Of the 51 countries surveyed worldwide, women are happier than men in 48 of them. Only in Brazil, South Africa and Vietnam were men happier than women. Women are also more optimistic about the future, scoring higher than men on predictions of their happiness in the next six months.

According to the survey, the three main drivers of happiness globally are personal financial situation, mental health and job/career. Being happy with your partner is also important for happiness in many nations.

Interestingly, many of the world’s poorer and developing countries outranked developed countries for happiness and satisfaction levels in nearly all aspects of their lives. Nielsen analysed the survey results to find out if a nation’s happiness level was influenced by low income equality, low corruption or peace. Surprisingly, places which performed poorly on these factors were in many cases the happiest countries.

Here comes another science bit … in another study published by the British Medical Journal, an individual’s happiness was found to be related to the happiness of their friends, their friends’ friends and their friends’ friends’ friends, ie three degrees (rather than six) of separation. The study also found that happy people were most likely to be the centre of their social networks and that each additional happy friend increases the probability of being happy by about 9%. In contrast, having an increase in income of $5,000 only raised the probable happiness by 2%.

The same authors – Christakis and Folwer – also undertook a Facebook study where they found that “people who smile tend to have more friends (smiling gets you an average of one extra friend, which is pretty good considering that people only have about six close friends). Not only that, but the statistical analyses confirm that those who smile are measurably more central to the network compared to those who do not smile. That is, if you smile, you are less likely to be on the periphery of the online world. It thus seems to be the case, online as well as offline, that when you smile, the world smiles with you.”

So, what have we learned? It’s not what you’ve got, but how much you appreciate it that determines how happy you’ll be. Valuing more things in life than just money gives you a more sustainable sense of happiness. Hanging out with positive people will improve your own happiness. Smiling makes you a more popular person and a happier one. If you’re happy today you’re more likely to be happy tomorrow, projecting your positive feelings out into the future.

It’s not exactly rocket science, is it? Still, it’s nice to have a survey or two to remind us that common sense still holds true.

This week, make an effort to up your smile ratio, be grateful for what you have and only spend time with upbeat people. Oh, and thank your lucky stars if you’re a girl – you’ve already got a head-start on the happiness biz thanks to your genetics.

Finally, here’s a freebie that’s a total treat. The authors of my favourite guided meditations of all time, Sanaya Roman and Orin, have released some new mp3s for free download to give us all some upliftment in these changing times and to help focus your vision for a positive personal future. You can find them at http://www.orindaben.com/home/wwmeditationpeace.php. There’s also a link on the same page to transcripts of Orin’s meditations, so you can read them beforehand to get a sense of which ones you might prefer before you download them. Enjoy!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com/. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com/. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

The Good You Already Know

If you want to have enough juice to get the new year off to a rocking start, you’re going to have to take very, very good care of yourself over the next few weeks. This Christmas season seems to have an even more manic air than usual – if that’s at all possible – so keeping your own energy serene is probably going to be a bit more of a challenge than you might previously have expected.

Normally you might expect me to throw a few coping strategies your way, but when times are tough it’s best to rest yourself deeply in what you already know works for you. Ask yourself this question from the spiritual leader Michael Beckwith – “How have I practised the good I already know?”

We know what to do. The problem is we just don’t do it.

You know you have to take time out to refresh yourself. You know things turn out better when you listen to your intuition. You know doing stuff for others out of sacrifice drains you. You know when you’re taking on too much and your health will probably suffer. You know why your heart sinks when you say ‘yes’ when you really mean ‘no’. When are you going to draw the line and take care of yourself?

Start right now as you mean to go on into the new year. Before you frazzle yourself with over-commitment and busyness that you could actually avoid, start working on your ‘no’ muscle. Give it some exercise. It can’t get strong unless you work it out. Yep, the first time might be hard, but after that it does get easier. Don’t bother justifying why you can’t do things – just say no and leave it at that. Confidence is key. If you’re apologising madly, people are more likely to try to push you into doing things. Be straightforward and matter-of-fact and they’re unlikely to challenge your decision.

We really are in a time where we have to practise what we preach. It’s no good wanting things to change if we never do. It’s about aligning our whole selves with the vision of what we want for our lives and taking the steps we need to take to make that happen. As Beckwith says “For me it always comes back to practice. The beliefs that we hold become a basis for spiritual practice. And the practice becomes a basis for insight and revelation, embodiment of the truth that makes us free. Just merely having a belief about these principles is not good enough any more. We want to do away with believers and we want people to step into a greater embodiment through practice.”

He adds, “The idea is to say to yourself at the end of the day, ‘How have I practiced the good that I already know?’ If I throw myself into practice, now I'm making myself available – a candidate for greater insight, greater embodiment – and I continue to become more and never less than my true self, living up to the true meaning of my incarnation, which is to release life energy, to release sacred gifts and talents and capacities that I chose to release before I came here (which is another conversation). So the tip would be: find a spiritual practice that fits you and absolutely practise it, and then you will notice that you'll move from being merely a believer into actually having some real knowledge through the activity of your awareness.”

What goes for spiritual practice goes for any other practice that supports your physical, emotional or mental well-being. We know what works. We just need to practise it.

This week, think carefully about the things that you know to be true for you. What activities help you stay well physically? What practices keep you feeling centred and emotionally-balanced? What techniques do you know that help you to calm down your mind and give you clarity? What is it that makes you feel spiritually connected? Go with the tried and true and make life a little easier for yourself.

Finally, here’s a funky little graphic to propel you out of inertia and remind you to take care of yourself and put energy into creating the life you want to live. There’s probably nothing in there you don’t already know, but we can all do with a bit of a refresher on basic truths every now and then.

http://www.eightprinciples.com/

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com/. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com/. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

Mystic Vision

May you live in interesting times.” Apparently that’s an old Chinese curse. If the current socio-economic climate is anything to go by, it’s bang up to date. Which of course leads me to the question on everybody’s lips – what the hell is going on? If anyone tells you they have an absolute answer, I’d avoid them like the plague. This one’s too tough for anyone to call. We are in the uncharted waters of a massive transformation of all the structures in our outer world and the old ways (and certainties) no longer apply.

What the situation does require, however, is a flexibility and willingness to embrace change without assuming it’s going to be pejorative. One of the most potentially destructive human characteristics is to assume that change is necessarily bad. It stops us from taking a chance, being our authentic selves and fully experiencing life. Yes, change is difficult for us all, but at the other end of that tunnel lies greater possibility if you’re willing to go with the flow, rather than fight against it.

In these uncertain times, your greatest success skills will be learning to turn inward for guidance, staying flexible and aware, and having the willingness to believe in a positive outcome, regardless of the general consensus. Independence of thought is vital when structures are decaying. You’re certainly not going to thrive in changing circumstances by doing things the way you’ve always done them.

As the author Caroline Myss emphasises, “The turning of the tides is done from above and from within. It is you who must learn to work with the power of your interior forces, to scaffold your inner consciousness and build a soul with stamina, so that when chaos abounds around you, you can see through it rather than be consumed by it.”

She adds, “We can look at this time as a nightmare of chaos or we can look at this time as that which we have prepared ourselves for during these past many years, working on our health and on becoming more conscious individuals. If this isn’t the time to put all that you’ve learned about being a conscious person into action, then when would be that time? Ask yourself, ‘Why have I worked so hard on myself?’ Was it just to process the wounds from your childhood? Well, if it was, be done with that and get on with the business of thinking, living, acting, and perceiving the world around you through the lens of a mystic. This is the time to apply all the laws of the cosmos to every one of your challenges, to approach every problem through mystical reasoning and not that of ordinary reasoning, which will draw you backwards and into your history. Looking backwards at what you used to do or how you used to do something will not work anymore.”

To truly have mystical vision, you’ll need to focus on the opportunity presented to you, not dwell on the chaos or the loss. Myss notes “To me, this is a time of great hope, because when chaos abounds, so does opportunity. It can look as if the field of opportunity is bleak, but that is simply not true … you must keep your attention in the present in order to ‘perceive’ intuitive instructions. These will rarely speak of what you have already done. Rather you have to be prepared to do what you have not done before, as your intuition will always direct you to draw on new inner resources, as opposed to relying on the old and familiar … Wisdom teaches us, for example, that if all we thought was stable evaporated so easily, it can all be replaced just as quickly. Chaos is as much an illusion as stability. What is not an illusion is truth. Truth is the one constant. Look at whatever is happening in your life and remind yourself that if it is chaotic, there is something old that must be surrendered. Look to your interior and listen for guidance. Remind yourself that you are alive at this time because you are meant to manoeuvre through these changes. Move forward, ever forward. And think like a mystic!”

This week, calm down your fearful emotions and pay more attention to what’s going on inside rather than outside. Be willing to stay aware of how you’re being triggered by outside events and to choose to listen more closely to your inner promptings. Put yourself on a news diet and keep away from those who are all doom and gloom. Hang out with positive people who are also willing to look for opportunity and growth in crisis. Stick to the facts and keep any temptation to panic under control. Keep a cool head and an intuitive heart. That’s how you’ll find your way through tough times in a manner that’s meaningful to you and that brings more growth and purpose. Stay visionary, get comfortable with uncertainty and let your mystic vision lead the way.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

Dating & Relating

Bottom line, everything comes down to relationship – the relationship you have to yourself, to others, to money, to life … it’s an unassailable fact that all the problems in life boil down to the thorny issue of relationship. Even if you try hiding out on a desert island, there’s still the little matter of the relationship you have with yourself. There’s just no escaping it.

So let’s all breathe a huge sigh of relief for the spiritual wisdom shared by Charlotte Kasl in her books If The Buddha Dated and If The Buddha Married. A slightly cynical part of me wonders whether If The Buddha Divorced is in the works, but let’s just be grateful for all the help we can get, shall we?

Charlotte Kasl has gathered together some helpful Buddhist principles, along with Sufi and Quaker techniques, to bring more clarity to the subjects of dating and relating. This is where Buddhism really comes into its own, for its emphasis on detachment, which allows us to really see what’s going on, rather than getting stuck in our own viewpoint.

In If The Buddha Dated, Kasl writes about the most basic need to ground ourselves in our own authenticity, because relating with others – particularly in a romantic sense – can bring up the unhealed places in us from past traumas and the negative self-perceptions that we’ve come to see as truth from years of repetition. Vowing to commit to being our authentic self is vital for self-esteem and essential in holding your own space around others.

She notes “We become spiritually grounded when we make this commitment to ourselves: More than anything else, I want myself. I want to live with integrity and truth. I’m not going to hide the jewel of who I am, nor mask my imperfections. No bargains, no avoiding reality, no conning myself, no lies. The more we commit to knowing and accepting ourselves, the more we are able to surrender to loving another person because we have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. Our spiritual commitment to truth and integrity creates a safe harbour within us – a mooring, a home to return to when the journey gets rough. This is immensely important in the dating process because new love can resurrect our most primitive feelings of fear, hope, dependency and emptiness. If we know how to soothe our pain and relax into our emptiness, we won’t be afraid to be open and honest, regardless of the outcome.”

What an amazing vow. I’m inclined to suggest that it’s one you should write out on a card and carry it around with you. Imagine reminding yourself every morning that you’re not going to hide the jewel of who you are – that’s got to be a kick-ass way to start the day!

Reminding us that it’s holding our own centre that brings us growth and security, Kasl adds “If we succumb to fear, we start holding back, and do that all-too-common dance of getting close, then pulling away. When we remember that our safe harbour depends on our awareness and honesty, we’re less likely to make internal compromises, put on masks or act like a chameleon to attract a partner or keep a hurtful relationship together. If we live by truth we may have pain, but we will always rest securely within ourselves.”

Authenticity is always going to be about holding that core of your own inner truth against whatever pull of the outside world is threatening to throw you off course. Naturally, we all end up making detours that are probably ill-advised, but unless we have a strong sense of self, we can drift way off purpose following someone else’s dream or fulfilling someone else’s desire. That point is as valid in a work arena as in intimate relationships. The advice for dating rings true in any form of relationship, be it business or personal.

Another fascinating aspect of all relationships is how rarely we are simply reacting to what is in front of us. We know for sure that we’re igniting our baggage and bringing the past into the present when we have a strong reaction to a person or an event. If your emotions are being intensely triggered, consider it the iceberg effect – most of what is going on is not on the surface.

In If The Buddha Married, Kasl writes “We are all a marvellous maze of different parts and levels of development. A question I have found very helpful for myself and my clients is simply this: How old do I feel right now? Sometimes we feel centred and grown-up; other times, we feel young, off-centre or confused. Our frustration might feel like a three-year-old having a tantrum or resemble a rebellious teenager. These states may switch rapidly in response to different people and situations. The point is to realise when we’re in a childlike state and understand that it is not primarily about the current situation. We are emotionally wired into a past experience that is affecting our response. We need to stop and reflect before acting.”

That, folks, is the simple truth that gets in the way of so many relationships – when our past gets on a collision course with someone else’s present, they’ll need to duck for cover unless we’re willing to take responsibility and recognise that our old rage, resentment, fear, hurt or sadness has been triggered. That doesn’t mean they’re necessarily in the right, but that we to make sure that our response to whatever has triggered us is proportionate and appropriate. And that we can express ourselves truthfully and responsibly, without fear or a need for retaliation.

There’s a helpful list of child states – or automatic reactions from past trauma – in the book, to which Kasl adds the caveat “The idea is not to judge yourself or attempt some impossible notion of perfection. It’s to bring awareness and understanding to yourself. For example, if you repeatedly feel worried about people’s reactions – Do they like me? Am I doing it right? – it can be very helpful to understand that it is probably more about your reaction as a child to a critical parent than current reality. You can learn to say to yourself ‘That was then, this is now’. What is actually going on now?”

Kasl also advises “When you go through the list, explore the nature of your responses. For example, if you tend to break agreements, is it because you over-commit and feel afraid to say no, or is it because you feel resentful of being asked to help? Most of us have a few predominant age regressions. Remember all of these responses are about conditioning. You existed before taking on all these thoughts and beliefs and your true essence or consciousness that dwells within your centre is perfect and free.”

Common Traits Of Child States Or Trauma

Fear of saying what you feel, need, think and want.
Fear of saying no and setting limits.
Feeling hurt, mad or rejected when someone says no to you.
Fear of being left, hurt abandoned.
Fear of conflict and differences.
Fear of being swallowed up and losing your identity.
Fear of violence.
Intense angry outbursts: screaming, yelling, name-calling.
Rationalising/making up excuses for your partner’s behaviour.
Taking on the worries and anxieties of your partner.
Breaking agreements, not following through on tasks you agreed to do.
Blame: not taking responsibility for your actions.
Feeling entitled to be waited on, supported, taken care of.
Withholding, withdrawing, refusing to talk.
Feeling uneasy, possessive or jealous when your partner seeks out new friends and feels passionate about their interests.
Feeling afraid or embarrassed to tell your partner you’ve made a mistake.
Feeling needy, insecure or afraid of being alone.
Defensiveness – having difficulty listening to your partner without interrupting to explain yourself or prove your partner wrong.
Being in unequal roles, such as parent-child, teacher-student or enlightened one-neophyte, rescuer-rescuee, healthy one-emotionally damaged one.
Active addictions to drugs, food, gambling, shopping, sex, work that are not being addressed.
Using sex to try to creat a closeness that is lacking in the relationship or saying yes when you really want to say no or no when you really want to say yes.
Frequent headaches, stomach aches, tensions, low energy, boredom with life, feeling stuck.

OK, take a deep breath – that list is hard going. If you got through it without recognising a few of your own, you’re probably in denial. Again, remind yourself this is not about making you feel guilty, but about bringing light to the shadow parts of ourselves that haven’t made it to grown-up territory quite yet. And we all have a lot of those, so there’s nothing to feel bad about. Plus, awareness is half the battle. When you realise you’re doing something out of an ingrained habit, you can give yourself the breathing space that allows you to start reacting differently. The mantra that will get you across the bridge from teenage-style tantrum to adult appropriate reaction when you realise your past has been triggered is ‘That was then, this is now’. Accompany it with a few deep breaths and you’re on your way to acting out of your authentic self, not your conditioned self. That’s real progress.

This week, give the list a good going over and start working up your own hit parade of favourite negative patterns. Pay attention to what sets you off and see if you can catch them as they happen, remembering to say to yourself ‘That was then, this is now’ before reacting. If you don’t manage it, don’t beat yourself up either. This is a detachment technique that requires practice. You will get it and ultimately you’ll be able to laugh at yourself – in a kind way! – when you catch your three-year-old or thirteen-year-old self at it again. And remember to start your day with the thought that more than anything you want yourself - your authentic self - and you will not hide the jewel of who you are. How fabulous is that?

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

The God Of Small Things

Uncertainty is the great de-stabiliser for us all. At a most basic human level, we’re all little control freaks who like our security and certainty and currently, on a global level, we’re getting none of that. There are plenty of doomsayers out and about and every day brings some fresh disaster to up the tension. This all plays into our underlying fear of uncertainty, leaving us insecure and hyper-vigilant for the next problem heading our way. Let’s call it ‘the light at the end of the tunnel must be an on-coming train’ syndrome, which we seem to be experiencing collectively right now.

So how do you find any sense of peace in a world that’s going crazy? For me it’s the god of small things, connecting with the little moments that remind you who you are at heart and give you faith for the future. It’s finding a happiness that arises from within, less driven by outer events. If it’s all going to hell in handbasket outside, what other choice do you have? You have to find your security within yourself. And that’s not an impractical act. When you have a strong core, you’re less affected by what’s going on around you and more driven by your own values, as well as having the benefit of your own intuitive guidance.

The author Zsusannah Budapest says “Happiness is a spiritual value. The spirituality that puts bread on the table and puts a roof over your head is a very valuable spirituality. A spirituality that disregards that your stomach is empty and you don't have a roof over your head and you don't have any self-esteem is not spiritual, it's just somebody's money-making scheme. Spirituality has to address practical matters. Finding the purpose in your life would find you meaningful work. I think that's spiritual. Finding a mate with whom you share your soul and body is spiritual. Finding your self-esteem, which is my main focus—ninety-nine percent of my work is about self-esteem—is finding your spiritual centre and getting the courage to go on and evolve instead of giving up.”

Our cultural evolution will take on a multitude of new shapes as we ride out the economic storms we’re currently experiencing and hopefully adapt with a set of values that is less concerned with the getting of stuff and more concerned with the experiences that we share. And so we go back to basics, to find the little things that make us feel connected to our spiritual centre and at peace. That is where comfort lies. From comfort springs hope and the courage to get out there and try again, whatever the circumstances.

I call it the god of small things because it’s never usually the big stuff that holds us together in tough times. It’s the small kindnesses from others, a moment of peace, a beautiful sky, something that makes you laugh out loud or a flash of insight that helps you see clearly that makes the difference when all around you seems cloudy and grey. It’s where you take refuge, where you find those moments when you feel most purely yourself, unconcerned with the turmoil of the outer world.

Obviously I’m of an introspective persuasion, so my comforts are often solitary ones – meditation, prayer, walking by the river – or purely sensory ones like enjoying the aroma of really great coffee, listening to the sound of the ocean or walking barefoot on the grass. In the Jungian sense, introverted people are refreshed by withdrawing into their own world and extroverted people are refreshed by social interaction. If you’re more extrovert, your touchstones that remind you who you are could be getting together with friends for a drink or going to a concert or event with lots of other like-minded people. In reality our behaviour encompasses a little of both, but when the chips are down, we naturally opt for one of those modes – introversion or extroversion.

This week, pay attention to how you recharge yourself. Are you naturally introverted or extroverted? If you’re not sure, ask yourself this question – if you were feeling completely exhausted, what would perk you up more: an afternoon of solitude or a lively event with lots of people and activities? If you come over all faint at the very thought of socialising under those circumstances, you’re clearly an introvert. If the company of others is just the ticket when you’re in need of some upliftment, then extroversion is your style.

Use that knowledge about how you refresh yourself and recharge to take a look at the small joys that make you feel in tune with yourself and your purpose. What are the simple things that really make you feel alive? When you know what they are, make a list and start doing them. Schedule time in your diary if you have to – just make sure you make your happiness a priority. These are challenging times and they’ll only be harder if you don’t retain a strong sense of self. When everyone around you is all doom and gloom, don’t catch that bug. Give yourself some spiritual immunity with the god of small things.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

Here Come The Girls

Don’t know about yours, but my weekend was an all-singing, all-dancing girlie extravaganza. It kicked off – literally – with Ladies’ Day at the rugby which rather curiously included something described as a burlesque performance, followed by a quick dose of my current addiction, Strictly Come Dancing, and an extraordinarily entertaining evening of sensual Arabic dancing. Are you sensing a theme here?

Understandably, none of us seemed particularly interested in the rugby – unless there was any promise of a player being stripped, washed and brought to our tent – so we concentrated on the entertainment to hand … that being a fashion show and a pair of pole dancers masquerading as burlesque queens. Now, there’s quite a difference between sporting an overdose of silicone and patent leather whilst gyrating lasciviously and truly being a diva of the burlesque scene. Everything about Dita Von Teese – the poster girl for the burlesque renaissance – says class, while everything about the sideshow we witnessed said low-rent.

What really brought it home, though, was watching the beauty and sensuality of Arabic dance. The female dancers had a sensuous confidence in their bodies that was mesmerising and the audience revelled in it, showing their enthusiastic appreciation of an incredibly seductive art form. The array of different body shapes on display was vast, yet each had their own unique beauty and power. And there was so much joy in the room, so much pleasure in creative performance, that it just made the rugby strippers look tawdry and cheap.

While the pole-dancers were claiming to teach women the art of seduction as a form of empowerment, it was still just about writhing around trying to get a man’s attention. For the Arabic dancers, though, it was clear that they took great pleasure in their own sensuality and their artistry, and felt very comfortable with their bodies, whatever their shape. Who needs Gok Wan to help you love your body when there’s a belly-dancing class near you? Find a good one where the teachers have a real love of the dance and you’ll be shaking your money-maker with joy and real abandon in no time!

In the sacred traditions, the feminine is associated with dance and from earliest times, that dance has been sensual and seductive. In India, sacred sculptures venerate the goddess Shakti, whose name means life energy, carrier of the sacred art of female sexuality, of transformation through sex. She has been known and served as sacred prostitute and temple dancer, uniting the physical and the spiritual, and is embodied in all women. In the Middle East she arose again as Ishtar and in Sumeria, as Inanna, she inspired erotic poetry. The Greeks called her Aphrodite and she was known as Venus in Rome. This archetypal feminine energy is still with us, but these days our goddesses appear more on the silver screen than in spiritual worship. Sadly, we’re a little short on cultural icons who are permitted to embody both spirituality and sensuality in our current worldview.

Yet the stage is set for a resurgence of a more powerful feminine sensuality that doesn’t exclude any aspect of life. We’ve separated ourselves from our own innate feminine wisdom to fit a cookie-cutter model of feminine behaviour for long enough to realise that it really hasn’t served us – or men, or the planet – well at all.

Jane Fonda, the radical feminist of the 70s, wrote recently “Before I turned 60, I thought I was a feminist. I was in a way – I worked to register women to vote, I supported getting women elected. I brought gender issues into my movie roles, I encouraged women to get strong and healthy, I read the books we’ve all read. I had it in my head and partly in my heart, yet I didn’t fully get it. See, although I’ve always been financially independent, and professionally and socially successful, behind the closed doors of my personal life I was still turning myself into a pretzel so I’d be loved by an alpha male. I thought if I didn’t become what he wanted me to be, I’d be alone, and then I wouldn’t exist.”

That’s quite a statement, and a brave one at that, to realise that despite all your achievements, you were still turning yourself inside out to please someone else. It just goes to show how we delude ourselves with outer appearance and mistake validation from the outside world for true confidence. Anything worthwhile must come from within, if you want it to stand the test of time.

Fonda is now promoting a feminine agenda that doesn’t seek to polarise masculine and feminine, but to carve a new path that honours both archetypal energies. She adds “So, as Eve Ensler says, we have to change the verbs from obliterate, dominate, humiliate to liberate, appreciate, celebrate. We have to make sure that head and heart can be reunited in the body politic, and relationship and democracy can be restored. We need to really understand the depth and breadth of what a shift to a new feminine paradigm would mean, how fundamentally central it is to every other thing in the world. We win, everything wins, including boys, men and the earth. We really have to understand this and be able to make it concrete for others so they will be able to really see what Feminism is and see themselves in it.”

This week, take a look at your own body politic – how is heart shaping up, versus head? Are they both getting a look-in or is calculating head winning over instinctive heart all the time? How comfortable do you feel in your own body? Been twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to get anyone’s approval lately? Time for a girlie MOT – how feminine do you feel and what would it take for you to feel that sensual life force alive in you?

Get your body moving – try something seductive like a salsa or a rumba if belly-dancing feels out of your comfort zone. Though quite why you’d want to hang out too long in a comfort zone is an issue in itself. This week get girlie and get fabulous, whatever femininity means to you. Explore it, mull over the concept of feminine power, spend an evening at a burlesque club … do whatever it takes to find that sacred feminine alive and well within you.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

The Sound Of Paper

Sometimes it’s simply curious to hear a familiar concept out of context and other times it’s quite inspirational. Many of you will have heard of the seminal work on creativity by Julia Cameron, called The Artist’s Way, where the concept of Morning Pages first hit the mainstream, bringing creative journaling to the masses.

As Cameron describes it, “Morning Pages are the pivotal tool of a creative life. They are three pages longhand, morning writing, about anything and everything. You may complain, whine, grumble, grieve. You may hope, celebrate, plan, plot. Nothing is too small or too large to be included. Everything is grist for the mill.”

Developing the discipline to crank out three pages on a daily basis allows you to download bedhead fuzzy thinking, get past mindless brain-chatter and awaken your creative spirit. Oddly enough, of all the techniques I’ve recommended, this one is probably the hardest to do. The sheer level of resistance to getting anything down on paper stops most people in their tracks and those that get started are mortified by the petty grievances that work their way onto the page. However, only when you get past the dull stuff does the gold appear, so only those with perseverance make it to the bit where your intuition kicks in and starts to hand over the goodies.

Answering the question why we should do Morning Pages, Cameron responds “Morning Pages prioritise our day. They render us present to the moment. They introduce us to an unsuspected inner strength and agility. They draw our attention to those areas of life that need our focus. Both our weaknesses and our strengths will be gently revealed. Problems will be exposed and solutions suggested.” Moreover, she adds, “Morning Pages are a potent form of meditation for hyperactive Westerners. They amplify what spiritual seekers call the ‘still, small voice’. Work with the Morning Pages awakens our intuition. Synchronicity becomes a daily fact. We are more and more often in the right place at the right time. We know how to handle situations that once baffled us. In a very real sense, we become our own friend and witness. Morning Pages are the gateway to the inner and higher self. They bring us guidance and resilience. They make us far-seeing.”

It’s the witness part of Morning Pages that seems to crop up in its other guises that have come to my attention of late. Someone mentioned writing out three pages - and apparently it had to be exactly three pages – when deciding whether to end a relationship or not, which seemed to be an adaptation of the same concept. When you become witness to your own feelings and face them in black and white, it’s a lot more difficult to remain in denial and a lot easier to see graphically how you really feel. By the way, there’s no special magic in three pages, in case you’re wondering what that’s about. It’s just that it generally takes that long to get past the rubbish lurking about on the surface of your mind and tap into the creative wiring that lies beneath.

The other use I heard for the Morning Pages was as a diet journal. Apparently, when Cameron teaches The Artist’s Way and people participate in Morning Pages on an ongoing basis, they very often lose weight as they become conscious of their own feelings and inner dialogue. In her new book, The Writing Diet, Cameron encourages journaling beyond the bounds of simple Morning Pages, into an ongoing daily practice to become conscious of the link between mood and food. As she says, “The journal makes it very specific. It is a way of becoming accountable. Usually when people are overweight, they’re kind of vague about food. When you have the food journal, you can see ‘I did fine until 4 o’clock’. The food journal allows you to interrupt a binge. The minute you write in a journal, you become conscious of the direction you’re going.”

To be honest, there’s probably no issue that wouldn’t benefit from a journaling technique. Career decisions, relocation, problems with family or friends – they’re all potential material for Morning Pages or an ongoing daily journal if you’re looking for inspiration or clarity on your deeper feelings.

This week, pick an issue and go for it. Commit to either three Morning Pages daily for a week or to keep an emotional/creative journal throughout each day until the next I Am Fab rolls around. Watch out for resistance and the classic excuses, eg no time, I’ll do it later, one page will do … I’ve heard them all (and given them a good run myself – just because I love writing does not mean I’m immune from resistance). You never know, you might just find yourself loving this technique and keeping it up on a regular basis. Or you might adapt it in a totally different way.

What’s important is giving it the space to do it properly in the first place, so Morning Pages can work their unique charm in freeing up blocked psyches. Julia Cameron’s been doing this for 20 years and specialises in working with professionals who suffer from writer’s block, so I think we can trust that she knows what she’s talking about. Do yourself a favour and get the paper party started. You’ll be in celebrated company. So as the auteur Jean Cocteau famously said, “We writers are fabulous creatures!”

While we're on the subject of creativity, here's an inspiring short film film – Mankind Is No Island – shot entirely on video camera phone, using typography and simple imagery, that's just won the first prize at the Tropfest short film festival in New York.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrDxe9gK8Gk

If you're looking for IAF archives, they now have a new home, as AOL has closed down its blog hosting. You can now go to Fab Central on the link below and catch up with all the archived entries.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

The Voice Of Experience

Every now and then you get an insight into the world of someone who’s living a very public – and very successful – life. I figure it’s best to pay attention when that happens, because you’re likely to be reminded of some truths that we all try to avoid, particularly if that public figure is big on personal responsibility. Well, they don’t loom much larger on that scale than Oprah, who’s just documented the twenty things she ‘knows for sure’.

You can read the whole kit and caboodle online at http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/inspiration/200811_omag_for_sure_oprah, but in the meantime we’ll just take a look at a few goodies …

“You define your own life. Don’t let other people write your script.” At Fab Towers, we are big proponents of the joys of authenticity and individual creative expression. Yet it’s one of the hardest maxims to stick by when you’re being pulled every which way but loose by other people’s expectations. Have the courage to hold your centre and you’ll get to create an exceptional life.

“Whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present. Only you give it power.” Another tough one there. We all just love a good wallow, but feeling sorry for yourself and giving someone from the past the power over how you feel today is highly destructive. There is a healing time required after any trauma where we need to explore and release our pain, but it very quickly becomes counter-productive to continue to ruminate over the same issues. All the power at your disposal is right here, right now. Leave the past where it belongs or it will suck the life out of the here and now.

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” For the avoidance of doubt, this doesn’t mean being judgemental, but being realistic when someone has been less than respectful of your time, energy or feelings. We particularly like to delude ourselves in the romantic arena by overlooking flaws that have been glaringly obvious from the outset. People show you what they think of you by the way they treat you. Don’t allow people to take up residence in your life if they’re not respectful of who you are, what you need and how you live.

“Trust your instincts. Intuition doesn’t lie.” It may not lie, but we lie to ourselves. As with people showing us who they are, we often over-ride our intuition and that is always going to come with a cost. If you’ve done that, be honest with yourself and notice how you had a nagging feeling things weren’t quite right. Your intuition is always at work, guiding you quietly. You just need to shut up and listen and remember that it won’t always tell you what you want to hear.

“Love yourself and then learn to extend that love to others in every encounter.” The big issue here is learning to love yourself first. Extending love to others without self-love is simply sacrifice and that just leaves you drained and resentful. Fill your own well first and you’ll naturally have plenty of love to give to others freely and joyfully. Your own self-acceptance will allow others to feel free to be themselves – and nurture themselves – too.

“Find a way to get paid for doing what you love. Then every paycheck will be a bonus.” Nothing keeps us more in tune and on song than doing what we love for a living. That’s the holy grail of a working life. Keep that as your major aim and everything else will fall into place. When you’re passionately interested in your own life, you become highly magnetic to good in other areas of your life. If you haven’t managed to make your passion into a career yet, just keep doing it whenever and wherever you can. Self-expression is its own reward.

“When you don’t know what to do, get still. The answer will come.” Stillness is the wellspring of all wisdom. Yet we live in a society that will throw any kind of activity or money at a problem rather than sit still and ponder it for even a few minutes. Be reactionary – learn to embrace the power of stillness. That’s where you’ll learn to calm and comfort yourself and listen clearly to the voice of your intuition, which will lead you down roads you could never have imagined. Get comfortable with silence.

This week, pick one of these pearls of wisdom and reflect on it. Which one stands out for you? How is it showing up in your life? Maybe it’s something that’s working for you – in which case, be very proud of yourself – or maybe it’s something that you already know is true but are trying to avoid taking responsibility about. Write the saying that speaks to you most at the top of your diary page every day for a week. Put it on a sticky note on your desk. Keep reminding yourself of what it is you need to pay attention to and let it work its magic. If it’s working for Oprah, it’s a pretty sure thing that it’s going to work for you too.

Let’s leave the final word to our old friend the genius scientist, Albert Einstein, who seems to have cornered the market in essential wisdom. He tells us “The ideals that have lighted my way time after time and have given me new courage to face life cheerfully have been Kindness, Beauty and Truth”. With that kind of simplicity he could have had an alternative career as a Zen master …

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

Light Years

It turns out that one of my greatest inspirations, Marianne Williamson, is celebrating 25 years of lecturing on A Course In Miracles this month – that’s a hell of a lot of light for one person to put out into the world!

And she’s still doing it. In a recent post on her blog, discussing the US presidential election, she raises the issue of how authentically the candidates have communicated, saying “There is a psychological principle that people hear you on the level that you’re speaking from. If it’s all in your head, then someone hears you with their head. But if it’s coming from your heart, then someone will hear you from your heart. And that’s not just a metaphor; it’s brain functioning.”

Using the Obama and Clinton face-off as an example, Marianne notes “Throughout her campaign, with almost every word she uttered, Hillary Clinton spoke to us from that smart head of hers. And like everyone, she was fated to crash into a wall with that. No matter how smart we are, we don’t break through to our greatness until our mind has been humbled. There is a higher intelligence than the intellect, and that is the ceiling Hillary was not able to break through. She depended on intellect, force of will, external alliances and political strategising – while Obama subsumed all those things under what Mahatma Gandhi called soul force.”

For Gandhi, that principle known as satyagraha had its root meaning in “holding onto truth, hence true-force.” He also called it love-force or soul-force.” It stems from the wellspring of essential goodness – the divine spark – that lies within us all. That same principle of authentic and innate inner beauty lies at the heart of the teachings of A Course In Miracles, to which Marianne Williamson has dedicated her life’s work, with enormous success. So much so that a passage from her book, A Return To Love, formed part of Nelson Mandela’s inauguration speech and is often mis-attributed to him. Although you’ve probably seen it a thousand times, it’s so good it bears repeating …

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

What’s particularly powerful about this quote is that it reminds us of the many ways we hide our truth and our goodness from ourselves and so often project the good that we cannot see in ourselves onto others, particularly in intimate relationships. This principle is echoed in Spiritual Divorce, by the leading shadow coach, Debbie Ford, who writes “Just as we project negative aspects of ourselves onto our partners, we also project our light. For most of us when we fall in love it is because we are seeing our disowned light in someone else. We see in our mates a part of ourselves that is hidden and then the chase begins to capture what we believe will make us whole.”

In the chapter on Reclaiming Our Divine Light, she notes “Having embraced our darkest qualities, it is now time to reclaim our light, our loving, compassionate, creative self. Only when we embrace our darkness and our light equally do we have access to our entire self. And only when we have access to all of who we are can we align to the destiny of our higher selves. When we are dancing in the arms of our soul’s purpose, each of us naturally expresses the precious gifts that we hold.”

To find our way back to an awareness of the personal qualities that we’ve endowed others with, Ford counsels “While your dark shadow is the person you would rather not be, your light shadow is represented by the people who inspire you. We can find our disowned positive qualities by looking outside ourselves at those we admire, those we love and those whom we would like to emulate. When you look outside, you can see yourself in the mirror image of others. Just as we have given so much of our darkness away, we have also hidden that much of our light.”

This week, let’s redress the balance by taking a look at just how much of our own light we’ve projected on to others. Look back at past relationships for clues as to the qualities you were drawn to in your partner. Then notice, as the relationship went on, was that truly a quality of theirs or was it something you later learned to express yourself? Any area of disillusionment in a past relationship is fertile hunting ground for disowned qualities. In my own personal inventory, I’ve noticed an attraction to so-called ‘creative’ partners, yet as I’ve gone on to express myself more creatively they don’t seem to have been quite the creative geniuses I rather idolised in the beginning …

Take a good look at the people you admire – famous people, fictional characters, family or friends – and pay attention to what it is that inspires your admiration. Whatever you find attractive and uplifting in them is a quality lurking within you that’s crying out for expression. Dare to face quite how talented and fabulous you just might be. It could be the missing piece of the puzzle in your quest for a fabulous, authentic life. While we’re all too willing to dig around to find what we think is wrong with us, we could do with a little light relief by focusing on what’s ultimately true – what’s actually right with us.

I’ll leave you with a final word from Ford on the importance of encompassing the entirety of ourselves. As she says “It’s not until we can embrace both our light and dark sides – all of our positive traits and all of our negative traits – that we can truly experience the feeling of emotional wholeness.”

Oh, and Happy 25th Anniversary, Marianne - very glad to have you on my team of projected light!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can be found at http://journals.aol.co.uk/iamfabulousco/IAmFabulous. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

True Colours

I so wasn’t going to do this, but when something keeps staring you right in the face, you just have to deal with it. Apparently there’s barely a person on the planet right now who doesn’t have some issue with relationships – either because they don’t have one or they’re not getting what they want from the one they’ve got.

Of course this is the perennial issue of human dynamics, but it seems to be even more frenetic than usual of late. I’m going to blame this partly on the cycle of Mercury retrograde – a period when communications, ie the bedrock of relationship, can tend to go awry, causing all sorts of confusion and havoc. The good news is that this cycle, which happens for a few weeks about three times a year, will conclude on Wednesday 15 October, so hopefully this chaos will subside and we’ll all get back to trying to understand each other with a little less hysteria thrown in.

While the surface effect of this cycle can be confusing, the underlying purpose is to have a re-think about the major issues that were concerning you when the cycle began, which for this period would have been around 24 September. It’s worth taking a moment to reflect on the kind of thoughts that were occupying your mind around that time and also if any new opportunities or people entered your life then. You’re being given an opportunity to take a closer look and refine your plans or take a deeper look at your relationships and how you approach them.

For those feeling the lack of personal relationship in their life right now, the only cure is acute attention to your own life, by finding and living your own passion – which, paradoxically, will make you attractive to others. Writer Martha Beck hits this particular nail on the head in her article for ‘O’ magazine entitled Damn, I’m Hot: Instructions on Seduction, which you can find at http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/ss_omag_200709_mbeck/1.

She reminds us, “Remember the old Peanuts cartoon in which Lucy mooned endlessly over Schroeder, whose only interest was the piano. That stereotype is based in truth: People who are mastering something that fascinates them become fascinating to others. If you want to capture other people’s attention, put your own attention on something that has nothing to do with them: oil painting, cooking, wildlife rescue. The more you get lost in what you’re doing, the more interesting you’ll become.”

The same advice applies whether you want to find a relationship or improve the one you have. Looking for someone else to fill an empty space in your life is a recipe for disaster. Your emotional needs are your own responsibility. Psychologist Dennis Sugrue, co-author of Sex Matters For Women, makes this point very clear, saying “If you are looking to a partner to make you feel worthwhile, to make you feel happy, to rescue you from a bored or unhappy life, if you are seeking someone to make you feel complete or whole – well, then you have some work to do, because these are needs that are never going to be met by anyone other than yourself.”

Yeah, we all freak out from time to time and start feeling needy or insecure, but it’s up to us to put the brakes on the fast train to Neurosisville, lest we drive ourselves and every one else around us nuts. Love brings up everything unlike itself. We over-analyse, we fret, we obsess, we find ourselves unworthy, we demand attention – now tell me, which particular part of that little list is in any way attractive?

Remember, we are all instinctive beings and we can sense neurosis and fear in others, so if you’re obsessing about someone, you can be damn sure that he or she is fully aware at a subconscious level that this is going on and is very likely to start withdrawing their energy and attention. If you are too present or too available to anyone – even on a subconscious level – it is an unattractive trait, because they never ever get the chance to feel your absence. And we all know what makes the heart grow fonder!

Perhaps the best relationship counsel ever given comes from Cynthia Heimel’s book, If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?, in which she details her sage advice on how to get a man. Ditto for women, by the way – these gems of wisdom are perennial and can apply equally to any relationship, regardless of gender. She writes, “Okay, pay attention now: I have the ultimate man-getting advice. You don’t have to listen to anybody else. Just listen to me. Okay, here’s what you do. Nothing.

“If he’s the wrong man, you can turn yourself inside out with wiles and perfume and French-maid’s outfits and nothing will work. You’ll never get him, you’ll never keep him, you don’t have a chance. If he’s the right man, you can have greasy hair, spinach in your teeth, and your skirt on inside out, and he’ll still be entranced and follow you to the ends of the earth.

“You don’t have to believe me, but what I say is absolutely true. You just have to follow your own personal, weird, goofy little star and some poor sucker is going to come along and die for you …”

Bugger. It really is that simple. Despite the endless array of advice, products, tricks and techniques on the market, the bottom line is that wiles won’t work. Being your authentic self will, but that requires self-knowledge, the courage to confront your own demons and a willingness to put effort and focus into your own life rather than trying to grab someone else’s attention. Oh, and love will come along in its own sweet time and not on the timetable you had planned. Not what we want to hear, maybe, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and accept the way things are. If you’ve really got it going on in your own life, it’s not like you’d feel the lack anyway – relationship would enhance your life, not be the missing link.

Cynthia Heimel’s advice comes with a little addendum, a timely reminder that we should be aware that what we think we want may bring us more than we bargained for and we should prepare accordingly. She says “Okay, the second part of my advice is just as simple, but infinitely harder: To get a man, you have to be ready for a man. Taking a man into your life is an enormous risk. Can you open your heart to a man, can you be trusting and vulnerable knowing that you’re also opening yourself up to the possibility of rejection and heartbreak? Can you withstand rejection and heartbreak? Can you let another person inside your defences, let him know who you really are and what you’re really like, knowing that he might someday leave you? Can you bear it?

“No, neither can I. But I’m trying. It’s quite a trick to build up your defences against heartbreak and yet not be defensive against men. And the trick is to develop self-confidence. Which is quite a trick, especially when you’re feeling needy and desperate. But be brave. Have a good look at yourself. Are you torturing yourself for your singleness? Punishing yourself for your alleged failure? Eating hundreds of thousands of M&Ms to atone for your neediness and desperation?

“Our society has made a practice of punishing its victims. Not only are women being punished (still!) for the feminist movement, but, even worse, they are being flayed alive for feeling weak and dependent and in need of love. Society has taught women to hate themselves. Society sucks. Pay it no mind. Of course you feel lonely and desperate and want love! You’re human! Wanting love is an honourable wish!

“When you stop practicing self-hatred, when you start feeling affection for yourself and your little ways, when you are able to follow that weird and goofy little star of yours, then your fears and defences fall from you like thistledown. Then you’re ready for a man. And then the nightmare begins.”

This week, fabulous people, put your attention firmly on your own life. Forget what’s going on with anyone else – your relationships will simply be reflecting what you need to address in your own inner life. What’s your purpose? Where’s your focus? What are you passionate about? If you’re mooning about over someone, just give it up and go cold turkey on obsessive thoughts – they won’t help anyway. If you’re not getting what you need from your relationship, try giving it to yourself and see how that shakes things up. Your sense of self-confidence and self worth is what teaches other people how to treat you. If you drop your focus on that by making someone else more important, things can only go downhill. Get interested in who you are – follow your own weird, goofy little star – and, curiously enough, other people will too.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can be found at http://journals.aol.co.uk/iamfabulousco/IAmFabulous. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

Harmonic Wealth

As we all appear to obsessing about money in the current economic climate, we might as well take a look at wealth from a wider perspective. One of the contributors to The Secret, James Arthur Ray, has written a book called Harmonic Wealth, where he urges readers to look at their concept of abundance in what he calls the five main pillars of wealth – financial, relational, mental, physical and spiritual.

According to Ray, “Creating harmonic wealth brings an overall sense of well-being, fulfilment, even unity. Understand that your pillars are interdependent: when you attend to each of them, all increase in strength. When you take care of your health by working out regularly and eating well, you create multiple benefits. Sexual relationships become enhanced by your greater confidence and stamina. Business booms from your increased energy. You’re more alert and receptive in spiritual pursuits. You’re more alive. Similarly, spiritual growth translates to deepening intimacy in friendships and romantic relationships, fuelling your desire to keep up with your physical exercise.”

For those among us who have difficulty equating wealth with spirituality, Ray harks back to his earliest convictions, saying “Ever since I was a kid I questioned – everything. Deep down inside I just knew that you could advance spiritually without giving up the joys of the earth. I looked around and saw that the people who were saying you couldn’t be wildly successful and highly spiritual at the same time didn’t appear to have authentic results in either area.”

Looking at this issue within our current cultural context, Ray notes “This is a new millennium and it’s time to redefine what it means to be wealthy and spiritual. I believe, for example, that it’s every bit as spiritual for Ronaldo to score a hat-trick as it is for me to sit in my living room meditating. Bill Gates has touched as many, if not more, lives with his inspirational vision as any modern-day teacher. Each person contributes and gives to the world from their own unique calling and gifts. Quantum physics and spiritual traditions tell us that all things come from the same source … For the first time in recorded history, we now have a marriage between science and spirituality. We need to drop these artificial distinctions between the spiritual and the material. It’s up to us to see how these truths apply to our everyday lives and how we can integrate them for harmonic wealth in all areas.”

Ray is one of a number of voices in the spiritual field calling for a more integrated spirituality, where it forms part of everyday life and is not considered a separate pursuit to the demands of daily living. Caroline Myss often talks about this time in history as being one where many are called to be ‘mystics without monasteries’, needing to honour their own inner spiritual callings while living ordinary, not cloistered, lives. Ray defines the same issue, saying “But you and I aren’t going to live in mystical abstractions. We’ve got real work to do. Spiritual mastery in today’s world is about integration. It’s about being able to have a great body and run a business, as well as meditate, give back and everything in between. My goal has always been to soar into the realms of the mystic, while keeping my feet in the sand.”

So if we are to meld the spiritual and the material, where do we begin? With an enquiry into our personal vision in each of Ray’s five pillars, apparently. The first step in the harmonic wealth approach is to create a compelling personal vision for each of those areas. For financial wealth, ask yourself what’s your ideal income and what would be your ideal way of making it? For relational wealth, look into how much quality time you spend with yourself; whether you treat yourself the way you want other people to treat you; what kinds of things do you do that make you feel fulfilled and what quality of personal relationships you have. To assess your mental wealth, take an honest inventory of how many books you read or seminars you’d like to take, as well as asking yourself if you’re the master of your emotions or if they master you. For physical wealth, look at your health, physical flexibility, your possessions and where you’d want to travel. Finally for spiritual wealth, review what inspires you and makes you feel connected, as well as defining what is your own personal truth about your relationship to your creative source.

In making this kind of self-assessment and creating a personal vision, Ray notes that it can only be effective when it’s personally meaningful and comes alive in your imagination. He stresses “I promise, when your vision on the inside becomes more compelling and powerful than what you observe on the outside, the universe is at your command. So, be specific, make it real, and fill in your vision with as many sensory details as possible. If you had it, what would it feel like, smell like, sound like, look like, taste like? You want to be able to recognise your intention when you create it at last. Think big – really, really big. Don’t censor yourself. I’ve shared this powerful strategy with thousands of people on all levels of the happiness scale and the results are often extraordinary and life-changing when people truly let go of what they think is possible and write down their soul’s desires.”

This week, take that one pure, solid gold piece of advice and create a vision for yourself of your soul’s desire. Not what you think you can have, not what you think is possible right now, but exactly the dream that’s lying dormant in your heart – the one you’ve always thought might not be possible. Let that cat out of the bag and see what fabulous things just might happen next …

To download or listen online to James Arthur Ray talking to investment advisor Jim Hansberger about the current state of the global economy, go to http://blog.jamesray.com/ and click into Thrive In The Face Of Economic Challenges – The Recording.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can be found at http://journals.aol.co.uk/iamfabulousco/IAmFabulous. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

The Gift & The Servant

I seem to spend my life talking about the need for inner-directedness amidst a world that constantly demands outer attention and activity. There are so many distractions, so many ways in which we fall into old patterns of behaviour – whether they work or not – just because they’re easier or generally more culturally acceptable. Tapping into your own inner wisdom may not appear to be the path of greatest ease, but then again repeatedly banging your head up against a brick wall isn’t exactly a laugh a minute either, is it? There surely must be some cosmic joke in the fact that we seem hell-bent on persevering with our ineffective coping strategies and self-defeating behaviours long after it becomes blindingly obvious that they’re not getting the desired result. Clearly the triumph of hope over experience is the definition of the human condition.

Now, I’m all for an easy life, rather than having things be a constant struggle. That’s not to say I don’t have my own issues – ‘slow learner’ would probably be written on my spiritual report card – but I am finally grasping the concept that the creative, inner-driven approach is always the one that spells ease. Too much effort means you’re not allowing things to come to you.

The intuitive approach taps first into the power of the inner world, harnessing the creative spirit, before action is taken. It allows for synchronicity to get to work on your behalf, so you don’t have to do so much legwork in the outer world. Why do it the hard way by chasing something, when a little inner work could draw it towards you so much more easily? However, this does require you to honour and trust the inklings of the inner world above the seeming certainties of the outer world and its logical approach. If you’re uncomfortable living with a little mystery, this one’s going to be a tough call for you.

Interestingly enough, the man who brought us E=MC2, Albert Einstein, expressed a similar opinion, when he said “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind its faithful servant. We have created a society that honours the servant and has forgotten the gift.”

Way to go, Albert. Let’s not forget this is history’s leading scientist telling us to trust the mystery first and the logic second. He wasn’t dismissing either, simply placing them in their correct order. As one of our most inspired thinkers, it strikes me that it’s a pretty safe bet to follow a path he’s already laid out for us if we want to live fabulous lives of inspiration ourselves.
That said, he also cautioned that “Intuition does not come to an unprepared mind”.

You need to put in the groundwork so you can be gifted with the power of inspiration. Vision requires dedication and three distinct qualities – receptivity, trust and surrender. Your intuition is constantly flowing, but it’s like a radio frequency you must actively tune into. The act of receptivity is the willingness to know that creative inspiration is available to you. The element of trust is not only to believe that it’s there for you, but to take action upon the information you’re given. The art of surrender is the willingness to be open to pursuing a course of action even when you don’t know why you have the impulse to follow it or what purpose it may serve.

When the rational mind – the servant – is ruling the roost, it misses opportunities because it won’t take action without a logical reason being in place beforehand. When intuition is in charge, action taken on a seemingly illogical impulse can lead to extraordinary turns of events that your rational mind may never have been able to contemplate.

Underlying this process is a force that’s deeper than how the law of attraction is currently portrayed via The Secret and other material of its ilk. To me, it’s the law of magnetism. It’s more profound than intent and attraction. It rests in a knowing that you are a spark of the divine and that when you tap into that knowledge you are tapping into an enormous well-spring of creativity, abundance and joy. It’s not an energy that strives. It’s a deeply feminine knowing that allows you to be receptive, to trust and to be peacefully confident without needing to control the outcome.

In her recent book, The Answer is Simple – Love Yourself, Live Your Spirit, Sonia Choquette writes elegantly of the essential spiritual truth about us all, saying “You’re Divine. You’re made of light, love and grace. You’re holy and your body and personality are the caretakers of this sacred presence. To house this Divinity in your being, in your physical self, is a gift and should be a pleasure. To accept your true nature is a huge, undeniable step toward self-love.”

Again, we hear echoes of Einstein, as Sonia Choquette reminds us that the gift lies in our essence, not our body or personality. And before any of us decide to come over all austere and self-denying on the basis of that little quote, let’s remember that the issue is not about denying ourselves the pleasures of life, but in getting our priorities right.

So, this week, let’s see if we can get the law of magnetism up and running in your life. If there’s something you really want to make happen, but clarity or achievement seem to be eluding you, go back to basics. The magic happens when you’re clear from the outset. Set aside some time to sit quietly and really sense how it feels to know that your true essence is divine. Imagine yourself sitting quietly in the centre of all the maelstrom the world can offer, simply allowing what is right for you to fall into your lap. Ponder on what you think you need and let it go, trusting that the right solution will find its way to you. Surrender your concepts of needing to know how it will happen. Just see it being brought to you elegantly and easily.

Then, whatever happens, just keep trusting. Maybe what you’re asking for is no longer what’s right for you. Maybe there’s a better option that can’t come through until you let go of the one you’ve set your sights on. If you find yourself stressed about it, take some time out to settle your energy back into peace and trust. If an impulse to take action arises and it feels right, go for it whether or not you know where it will lead. Have some faith in mystery. If it’s good enough for Einstein, it should be good enough for you!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can be found at http://journals.aol.co.uk/iamfabulousco/IAmFabulous. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.