True Colours

I so wasn’t going to do this, but when something keeps staring you right in the face, you just have to deal with it. Apparently there’s barely a person on the planet right now who doesn’t have some issue with relationships – either because they don’t have one or they’re not getting what they want from the one they’ve got.

Of course this is the perennial issue of human dynamics, but it seems to be even more frenetic than usual of late. I’m going to blame this partly on the cycle of Mercury retrograde – a period when communications, ie the bedrock of relationship, can tend to go awry, causing all sorts of confusion and havoc. The good news is that this cycle, which happens for a few weeks about three times a year, will conclude on Wednesday 15 October, so hopefully this chaos will subside and we’ll all get back to trying to understand each other with a little less hysteria thrown in.

While the surface effect of this cycle can be confusing, the underlying purpose is to have a re-think about the major issues that were concerning you when the cycle began, which for this period would have been around 24 September. It’s worth taking a moment to reflect on the kind of thoughts that were occupying your mind around that time and also if any new opportunities or people entered your life then. You’re being given an opportunity to take a closer look and refine your plans or take a deeper look at your relationships and how you approach them.

For those feeling the lack of personal relationship in their life right now, the only cure is acute attention to your own life, by finding and living your own passion – which, paradoxically, will make you attractive to others. Writer Martha Beck hits this particular nail on the head in her article for ‘O’ magazine entitled Damn, I’m Hot: Instructions on Seduction, which you can find at http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/ss_omag_200709_mbeck/1.

She reminds us, “Remember the old Peanuts cartoon in which Lucy mooned endlessly over Schroeder, whose only interest was the piano. That stereotype is based in truth: People who are mastering something that fascinates them become fascinating to others. If you want to capture other people’s attention, put your own attention on something that has nothing to do with them: oil painting, cooking, wildlife rescue. The more you get lost in what you’re doing, the more interesting you’ll become.”

The same advice applies whether you want to find a relationship or improve the one you have. Looking for someone else to fill an empty space in your life is a recipe for disaster. Your emotional needs are your own responsibility. Psychologist Dennis Sugrue, co-author of Sex Matters For Women, makes this point very clear, saying “If you are looking to a partner to make you feel worthwhile, to make you feel happy, to rescue you from a bored or unhappy life, if you are seeking someone to make you feel complete or whole – well, then you have some work to do, because these are needs that are never going to be met by anyone other than yourself.”

Yeah, we all freak out from time to time and start feeling needy or insecure, but it’s up to us to put the brakes on the fast train to Neurosisville, lest we drive ourselves and every one else around us nuts. Love brings up everything unlike itself. We over-analyse, we fret, we obsess, we find ourselves unworthy, we demand attention – now tell me, which particular part of that little list is in any way attractive?

Remember, we are all instinctive beings and we can sense neurosis and fear in others, so if you’re obsessing about someone, you can be damn sure that he or she is fully aware at a subconscious level that this is going on and is very likely to start withdrawing their energy and attention. If you are too present or too available to anyone – even on a subconscious level – it is an unattractive trait, because they never ever get the chance to feel your absence. And we all know what makes the heart grow fonder!

Perhaps the best relationship counsel ever given comes from Cynthia Heimel’s book, If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?, in which she details her sage advice on how to get a man. Ditto for women, by the way – these gems of wisdom are perennial and can apply equally to any relationship, regardless of gender. She writes, “Okay, pay attention now: I have the ultimate man-getting advice. You don’t have to listen to anybody else. Just listen to me. Okay, here’s what you do. Nothing.

“If he’s the wrong man, you can turn yourself inside out with wiles and perfume and French-maid’s outfits and nothing will work. You’ll never get him, you’ll never keep him, you don’t have a chance. If he’s the right man, you can have greasy hair, spinach in your teeth, and your skirt on inside out, and he’ll still be entranced and follow you to the ends of the earth.

“You don’t have to believe me, but what I say is absolutely true. You just have to follow your own personal, weird, goofy little star and some poor sucker is going to come along and die for you …”

Bugger. It really is that simple. Despite the endless array of advice, products, tricks and techniques on the market, the bottom line is that wiles won’t work. Being your authentic self will, but that requires self-knowledge, the courage to confront your own demons and a willingness to put effort and focus into your own life rather than trying to grab someone else’s attention. Oh, and love will come along in its own sweet time and not on the timetable you had planned. Not what we want to hear, maybe, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and accept the way things are. If you’ve really got it going on in your own life, it’s not like you’d feel the lack anyway – relationship would enhance your life, not be the missing link.

Cynthia Heimel’s advice comes with a little addendum, a timely reminder that we should be aware that what we think we want may bring us more than we bargained for and we should prepare accordingly. She says “Okay, the second part of my advice is just as simple, but infinitely harder: To get a man, you have to be ready for a man. Taking a man into your life is an enormous risk. Can you open your heart to a man, can you be trusting and vulnerable knowing that you’re also opening yourself up to the possibility of rejection and heartbreak? Can you withstand rejection and heartbreak? Can you let another person inside your defences, let him know who you really are and what you’re really like, knowing that he might someday leave you? Can you bear it?

“No, neither can I. But I’m trying. It’s quite a trick to build up your defences against heartbreak and yet not be defensive against men. And the trick is to develop self-confidence. Which is quite a trick, especially when you’re feeling needy and desperate. But be brave. Have a good look at yourself. Are you torturing yourself for your singleness? Punishing yourself for your alleged failure? Eating hundreds of thousands of M&Ms to atone for your neediness and desperation?

“Our society has made a practice of punishing its victims. Not only are women being punished (still!) for the feminist movement, but, even worse, they are being flayed alive for feeling weak and dependent and in need of love. Society has taught women to hate themselves. Society sucks. Pay it no mind. Of course you feel lonely and desperate and want love! You’re human! Wanting love is an honourable wish!

“When you stop practicing self-hatred, when you start feeling affection for yourself and your little ways, when you are able to follow that weird and goofy little star of yours, then your fears and defences fall from you like thistledown. Then you’re ready for a man. And then the nightmare begins.”

This week, fabulous people, put your attention firmly on your own life. Forget what’s going on with anyone else – your relationships will simply be reflecting what you need to address in your own inner life. What’s your purpose? Where’s your focus? What are you passionate about? If you’re mooning about over someone, just give it up and go cold turkey on obsessive thoughts – they won’t help anyway. If you’re not getting what you need from your relationship, try giving it to yourself and see how that shakes things up. Your sense of self-confidence and self worth is what teaches other people how to treat you. If you drop your focus on that by making someone else more important, things can only go downhill. Get interested in who you are – follow your own weird, goofy little star – and, curiously enough, other people will too.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can be found at http://journals.aol.co.uk/iamfabulousco/IAmFabulous. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.