Dating & Relating

Bottom line, everything comes down to relationship – the relationship you have to yourself, to others, to money, to life … it’s an unassailable fact that all the problems in life boil down to the thorny issue of relationship. Even if you try hiding out on a desert island, there’s still the little matter of the relationship you have with yourself. There’s just no escaping it.

So let’s all breathe a huge sigh of relief for the spiritual wisdom shared by Charlotte Kasl in her books If The Buddha Dated and If The Buddha Married. A slightly cynical part of me wonders whether If The Buddha Divorced is in the works, but let’s just be grateful for all the help we can get, shall we?

Charlotte Kasl has gathered together some helpful Buddhist principles, along with Sufi and Quaker techniques, to bring more clarity to the subjects of dating and relating. This is where Buddhism really comes into its own, for its emphasis on detachment, which allows us to really see what’s going on, rather than getting stuck in our own viewpoint.

In If The Buddha Dated, Kasl writes about the most basic need to ground ourselves in our own authenticity, because relating with others – particularly in a romantic sense – can bring up the unhealed places in us from past traumas and the negative self-perceptions that we’ve come to see as truth from years of repetition. Vowing to commit to being our authentic self is vital for self-esteem and essential in holding your own space around others.

She notes “We become spiritually grounded when we make this commitment to ourselves: More than anything else, I want myself. I want to live with integrity and truth. I’m not going to hide the jewel of who I am, nor mask my imperfections. No bargains, no avoiding reality, no conning myself, no lies. The more we commit to knowing and accepting ourselves, the more we are able to surrender to loving another person because we have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. Our spiritual commitment to truth and integrity creates a safe harbour within us – a mooring, a home to return to when the journey gets rough. This is immensely important in the dating process because new love can resurrect our most primitive feelings of fear, hope, dependency and emptiness. If we know how to soothe our pain and relax into our emptiness, we won’t be afraid to be open and honest, regardless of the outcome.”

What an amazing vow. I’m inclined to suggest that it’s one you should write out on a card and carry it around with you. Imagine reminding yourself every morning that you’re not going to hide the jewel of who you are – that’s got to be a kick-ass way to start the day!

Reminding us that it’s holding our own centre that brings us growth and security, Kasl adds “If we succumb to fear, we start holding back, and do that all-too-common dance of getting close, then pulling away. When we remember that our safe harbour depends on our awareness and honesty, we’re less likely to make internal compromises, put on masks or act like a chameleon to attract a partner or keep a hurtful relationship together. If we live by truth we may have pain, but we will always rest securely within ourselves.”

Authenticity is always going to be about holding that core of your own inner truth against whatever pull of the outside world is threatening to throw you off course. Naturally, we all end up making detours that are probably ill-advised, but unless we have a strong sense of self, we can drift way off purpose following someone else’s dream or fulfilling someone else’s desire. That point is as valid in a work arena as in intimate relationships. The advice for dating rings true in any form of relationship, be it business or personal.

Another fascinating aspect of all relationships is how rarely we are simply reacting to what is in front of us. We know for sure that we’re igniting our baggage and bringing the past into the present when we have a strong reaction to a person or an event. If your emotions are being intensely triggered, consider it the iceberg effect – most of what is going on is not on the surface.

In If The Buddha Married, Kasl writes “We are all a marvellous maze of different parts and levels of development. A question I have found very helpful for myself and my clients is simply this: How old do I feel right now? Sometimes we feel centred and grown-up; other times, we feel young, off-centre or confused. Our frustration might feel like a three-year-old having a tantrum or resemble a rebellious teenager. These states may switch rapidly in response to different people and situations. The point is to realise when we’re in a childlike state and understand that it is not primarily about the current situation. We are emotionally wired into a past experience that is affecting our response. We need to stop and reflect before acting.”

That, folks, is the simple truth that gets in the way of so many relationships – when our past gets on a collision course with someone else’s present, they’ll need to duck for cover unless we’re willing to take responsibility and recognise that our old rage, resentment, fear, hurt or sadness has been triggered. That doesn’t mean they’re necessarily in the right, but that we to make sure that our response to whatever has triggered us is proportionate and appropriate. And that we can express ourselves truthfully and responsibly, without fear or a need for retaliation.

There’s a helpful list of child states – or automatic reactions from past trauma – in the book, to which Kasl adds the caveat “The idea is not to judge yourself or attempt some impossible notion of perfection. It’s to bring awareness and understanding to yourself. For example, if you repeatedly feel worried about people’s reactions – Do they like me? Am I doing it right? – it can be very helpful to understand that it is probably more about your reaction as a child to a critical parent than current reality. You can learn to say to yourself ‘That was then, this is now’. What is actually going on now?”

Kasl also advises “When you go through the list, explore the nature of your responses. For example, if you tend to break agreements, is it because you over-commit and feel afraid to say no, or is it because you feel resentful of being asked to help? Most of us have a few predominant age regressions. Remember all of these responses are about conditioning. You existed before taking on all these thoughts and beliefs and your true essence or consciousness that dwells within your centre is perfect and free.”

Common Traits Of Child States Or Trauma

Fear of saying what you feel, need, think and want.
Fear of saying no and setting limits.
Feeling hurt, mad or rejected when someone says no to you.
Fear of being left, hurt abandoned.
Fear of conflict and differences.
Fear of being swallowed up and losing your identity.
Fear of violence.
Intense angry outbursts: screaming, yelling, name-calling.
Rationalising/making up excuses for your partner’s behaviour.
Taking on the worries and anxieties of your partner.
Breaking agreements, not following through on tasks you agreed to do.
Blame: not taking responsibility for your actions.
Feeling entitled to be waited on, supported, taken care of.
Withholding, withdrawing, refusing to talk.
Feeling uneasy, possessive or jealous when your partner seeks out new friends and feels passionate about their interests.
Feeling afraid or embarrassed to tell your partner you’ve made a mistake.
Feeling needy, insecure or afraid of being alone.
Defensiveness – having difficulty listening to your partner without interrupting to explain yourself or prove your partner wrong.
Being in unequal roles, such as parent-child, teacher-student or enlightened one-neophyte, rescuer-rescuee, healthy one-emotionally damaged one.
Active addictions to drugs, food, gambling, shopping, sex, work that are not being addressed.
Using sex to try to creat a closeness that is lacking in the relationship or saying yes when you really want to say no or no when you really want to say yes.
Frequent headaches, stomach aches, tensions, low energy, boredom with life, feeling stuck.

OK, take a deep breath – that list is hard going. If you got through it without recognising a few of your own, you’re probably in denial. Again, remind yourself this is not about making you feel guilty, but about bringing light to the shadow parts of ourselves that haven’t made it to grown-up territory quite yet. And we all have a lot of those, so there’s nothing to feel bad about. Plus, awareness is half the battle. When you realise you’re doing something out of an ingrained habit, you can give yourself the breathing space that allows you to start reacting differently. The mantra that will get you across the bridge from teenage-style tantrum to adult appropriate reaction when you realise your past has been triggered is ‘That was then, this is now’. Accompany it with a few deep breaths and you’re on your way to acting out of your authentic self, not your conditioned self. That’s real progress.

This week, give the list a good going over and start working up your own hit parade of favourite negative patterns. Pay attention to what sets you off and see if you can catch them as they happen, remembering to say to yourself ‘That was then, this is now’ before reacting. If you don’t manage it, don’t beat yourself up either. This is a detachment technique that requires practice. You will get it and ultimately you’ll be able to laugh at yourself – in a kind way! – when you catch your three-year-old or thirteen-year-old self at it again. And remember to start your day with the thought that more than anything you want yourself - your authentic self - and you will not hide the jewel of who you are. How fabulous is that?

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

The God Of Small Things

Uncertainty is the great de-stabiliser for us all. At a most basic human level, we’re all little control freaks who like our security and certainty and currently, on a global level, we’re getting none of that. There are plenty of doomsayers out and about and every day brings some fresh disaster to up the tension. This all plays into our underlying fear of uncertainty, leaving us insecure and hyper-vigilant for the next problem heading our way. Let’s call it ‘the light at the end of the tunnel must be an on-coming train’ syndrome, which we seem to be experiencing collectively right now.

So how do you find any sense of peace in a world that’s going crazy? For me it’s the god of small things, connecting with the little moments that remind you who you are at heart and give you faith for the future. It’s finding a happiness that arises from within, less driven by outer events. If it’s all going to hell in handbasket outside, what other choice do you have? You have to find your security within yourself. And that’s not an impractical act. When you have a strong core, you’re less affected by what’s going on around you and more driven by your own values, as well as having the benefit of your own intuitive guidance.

The author Zsusannah Budapest says “Happiness is a spiritual value. The spirituality that puts bread on the table and puts a roof over your head is a very valuable spirituality. A spirituality that disregards that your stomach is empty and you don't have a roof over your head and you don't have any self-esteem is not spiritual, it's just somebody's money-making scheme. Spirituality has to address practical matters. Finding the purpose in your life would find you meaningful work. I think that's spiritual. Finding a mate with whom you share your soul and body is spiritual. Finding your self-esteem, which is my main focus—ninety-nine percent of my work is about self-esteem—is finding your spiritual centre and getting the courage to go on and evolve instead of giving up.”

Our cultural evolution will take on a multitude of new shapes as we ride out the economic storms we’re currently experiencing and hopefully adapt with a set of values that is less concerned with the getting of stuff and more concerned with the experiences that we share. And so we go back to basics, to find the little things that make us feel connected to our spiritual centre and at peace. That is where comfort lies. From comfort springs hope and the courage to get out there and try again, whatever the circumstances.

I call it the god of small things because it’s never usually the big stuff that holds us together in tough times. It’s the small kindnesses from others, a moment of peace, a beautiful sky, something that makes you laugh out loud or a flash of insight that helps you see clearly that makes the difference when all around you seems cloudy and grey. It’s where you take refuge, where you find those moments when you feel most purely yourself, unconcerned with the turmoil of the outer world.

Obviously I’m of an introspective persuasion, so my comforts are often solitary ones – meditation, prayer, walking by the river – or purely sensory ones like enjoying the aroma of really great coffee, listening to the sound of the ocean or walking barefoot on the grass. In the Jungian sense, introverted people are refreshed by withdrawing into their own world and extroverted people are refreshed by social interaction. If you’re more extrovert, your touchstones that remind you who you are could be getting together with friends for a drink or going to a concert or event with lots of other like-minded people. In reality our behaviour encompasses a little of both, but when the chips are down, we naturally opt for one of those modes – introversion or extroversion.

This week, pay attention to how you recharge yourself. Are you naturally introverted or extroverted? If you’re not sure, ask yourself this question – if you were feeling completely exhausted, what would perk you up more: an afternoon of solitude or a lively event with lots of people and activities? If you come over all faint at the very thought of socialising under those circumstances, you’re clearly an introvert. If the company of others is just the ticket when you’re in need of some upliftment, then extroversion is your style.

Use that knowledge about how you refresh yourself and recharge to take a look at the small joys that make you feel in tune with yourself and your purpose. What are the simple things that really make you feel alive? When you know what they are, make a list and start doing them. Schedule time in your diary if you have to – just make sure you make your happiness a priority. These are challenging times and they’ll only be harder if you don’t retain a strong sense of self. When everyone around you is all doom and gloom, don’t catch that bug. Give yourself some spiritual immunity with the god of small things.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

Here Come The Girls

Don’t know about yours, but my weekend was an all-singing, all-dancing girlie extravaganza. It kicked off – literally – with Ladies’ Day at the rugby which rather curiously included something described as a burlesque performance, followed by a quick dose of my current addiction, Strictly Come Dancing, and an extraordinarily entertaining evening of sensual Arabic dancing. Are you sensing a theme here?

Understandably, none of us seemed particularly interested in the rugby – unless there was any promise of a player being stripped, washed and brought to our tent – so we concentrated on the entertainment to hand … that being a fashion show and a pair of pole dancers masquerading as burlesque queens. Now, there’s quite a difference between sporting an overdose of silicone and patent leather whilst gyrating lasciviously and truly being a diva of the burlesque scene. Everything about Dita Von Teese – the poster girl for the burlesque renaissance – says class, while everything about the sideshow we witnessed said low-rent.

What really brought it home, though, was watching the beauty and sensuality of Arabic dance. The female dancers had a sensuous confidence in their bodies that was mesmerising and the audience revelled in it, showing their enthusiastic appreciation of an incredibly seductive art form. The array of different body shapes on display was vast, yet each had their own unique beauty and power. And there was so much joy in the room, so much pleasure in creative performance, that it just made the rugby strippers look tawdry and cheap.

While the pole-dancers were claiming to teach women the art of seduction as a form of empowerment, it was still just about writhing around trying to get a man’s attention. For the Arabic dancers, though, it was clear that they took great pleasure in their own sensuality and their artistry, and felt very comfortable with their bodies, whatever their shape. Who needs Gok Wan to help you love your body when there’s a belly-dancing class near you? Find a good one where the teachers have a real love of the dance and you’ll be shaking your money-maker with joy and real abandon in no time!

In the sacred traditions, the feminine is associated with dance and from earliest times, that dance has been sensual and seductive. In India, sacred sculptures venerate the goddess Shakti, whose name means life energy, carrier of the sacred art of female sexuality, of transformation through sex. She has been known and served as sacred prostitute and temple dancer, uniting the physical and the spiritual, and is embodied in all women. In the Middle East she arose again as Ishtar and in Sumeria, as Inanna, she inspired erotic poetry. The Greeks called her Aphrodite and she was known as Venus in Rome. This archetypal feminine energy is still with us, but these days our goddesses appear more on the silver screen than in spiritual worship. Sadly, we’re a little short on cultural icons who are permitted to embody both spirituality and sensuality in our current worldview.

Yet the stage is set for a resurgence of a more powerful feminine sensuality that doesn’t exclude any aspect of life. We’ve separated ourselves from our own innate feminine wisdom to fit a cookie-cutter model of feminine behaviour for long enough to realise that it really hasn’t served us – or men, or the planet – well at all.

Jane Fonda, the radical feminist of the 70s, wrote recently “Before I turned 60, I thought I was a feminist. I was in a way – I worked to register women to vote, I supported getting women elected. I brought gender issues into my movie roles, I encouraged women to get strong and healthy, I read the books we’ve all read. I had it in my head and partly in my heart, yet I didn’t fully get it. See, although I’ve always been financially independent, and professionally and socially successful, behind the closed doors of my personal life I was still turning myself into a pretzel so I’d be loved by an alpha male. I thought if I didn’t become what he wanted me to be, I’d be alone, and then I wouldn’t exist.”

That’s quite a statement, and a brave one at that, to realise that despite all your achievements, you were still turning yourself inside out to please someone else. It just goes to show how we delude ourselves with outer appearance and mistake validation from the outside world for true confidence. Anything worthwhile must come from within, if you want it to stand the test of time.

Fonda is now promoting a feminine agenda that doesn’t seek to polarise masculine and feminine, but to carve a new path that honours both archetypal energies. She adds “So, as Eve Ensler says, we have to change the verbs from obliterate, dominate, humiliate to liberate, appreciate, celebrate. We have to make sure that head and heart can be reunited in the body politic, and relationship and democracy can be restored. We need to really understand the depth and breadth of what a shift to a new feminine paradigm would mean, how fundamentally central it is to every other thing in the world. We win, everything wins, including boys, men and the earth. We really have to understand this and be able to make it concrete for others so they will be able to really see what Feminism is and see themselves in it.”

This week, take a look at your own body politic – how is heart shaping up, versus head? Are they both getting a look-in or is calculating head winning over instinctive heart all the time? How comfortable do you feel in your own body? Been twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to get anyone’s approval lately? Time for a girlie MOT – how feminine do you feel and what would it take for you to feel that sensual life force alive in you?

Get your body moving – try something seductive like a salsa or a rumba if belly-dancing feels out of your comfort zone. Though quite why you’d want to hang out too long in a comfort zone is an issue in itself. This week get girlie and get fabulous, whatever femininity means to you. Explore it, mull over the concept of feminine power, spend an evening at a burlesque club … do whatever it takes to find that sacred feminine alive and well within you.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

The Sound Of Paper

Sometimes it’s simply curious to hear a familiar concept out of context and other times it’s quite inspirational. Many of you will have heard of the seminal work on creativity by Julia Cameron, called The Artist’s Way, where the concept of Morning Pages first hit the mainstream, bringing creative journaling to the masses.

As Cameron describes it, “Morning Pages are the pivotal tool of a creative life. They are three pages longhand, morning writing, about anything and everything. You may complain, whine, grumble, grieve. You may hope, celebrate, plan, plot. Nothing is too small or too large to be included. Everything is grist for the mill.”

Developing the discipline to crank out three pages on a daily basis allows you to download bedhead fuzzy thinking, get past mindless brain-chatter and awaken your creative spirit. Oddly enough, of all the techniques I’ve recommended, this one is probably the hardest to do. The sheer level of resistance to getting anything down on paper stops most people in their tracks and those that get started are mortified by the petty grievances that work their way onto the page. However, only when you get past the dull stuff does the gold appear, so only those with perseverance make it to the bit where your intuition kicks in and starts to hand over the goodies.

Answering the question why we should do Morning Pages, Cameron responds “Morning Pages prioritise our day. They render us present to the moment. They introduce us to an unsuspected inner strength and agility. They draw our attention to those areas of life that need our focus. Both our weaknesses and our strengths will be gently revealed. Problems will be exposed and solutions suggested.” Moreover, she adds, “Morning Pages are a potent form of meditation for hyperactive Westerners. They amplify what spiritual seekers call the ‘still, small voice’. Work with the Morning Pages awakens our intuition. Synchronicity becomes a daily fact. We are more and more often in the right place at the right time. We know how to handle situations that once baffled us. In a very real sense, we become our own friend and witness. Morning Pages are the gateway to the inner and higher self. They bring us guidance and resilience. They make us far-seeing.”

It’s the witness part of Morning Pages that seems to crop up in its other guises that have come to my attention of late. Someone mentioned writing out three pages - and apparently it had to be exactly three pages – when deciding whether to end a relationship or not, which seemed to be an adaptation of the same concept. When you become witness to your own feelings and face them in black and white, it’s a lot more difficult to remain in denial and a lot easier to see graphically how you really feel. By the way, there’s no special magic in three pages, in case you’re wondering what that’s about. It’s just that it generally takes that long to get past the rubbish lurking about on the surface of your mind and tap into the creative wiring that lies beneath.

The other use I heard for the Morning Pages was as a diet journal. Apparently, when Cameron teaches The Artist’s Way and people participate in Morning Pages on an ongoing basis, they very often lose weight as they become conscious of their own feelings and inner dialogue. In her new book, The Writing Diet, Cameron encourages journaling beyond the bounds of simple Morning Pages, into an ongoing daily practice to become conscious of the link between mood and food. As she says, “The journal makes it very specific. It is a way of becoming accountable. Usually when people are overweight, they’re kind of vague about food. When you have the food journal, you can see ‘I did fine until 4 o’clock’. The food journal allows you to interrupt a binge. The minute you write in a journal, you become conscious of the direction you’re going.”

To be honest, there’s probably no issue that wouldn’t benefit from a journaling technique. Career decisions, relocation, problems with family or friends – they’re all potential material for Morning Pages or an ongoing daily journal if you’re looking for inspiration or clarity on your deeper feelings.

This week, pick an issue and go for it. Commit to either three Morning Pages daily for a week or to keep an emotional/creative journal throughout each day until the next I Am Fab rolls around. Watch out for resistance and the classic excuses, eg no time, I’ll do it later, one page will do … I’ve heard them all (and given them a good run myself – just because I love writing does not mean I’m immune from resistance). You never know, you might just find yourself loving this technique and keeping it up on a regular basis. Or you might adapt it in a totally different way.

What’s important is giving it the space to do it properly in the first place, so Morning Pages can work their unique charm in freeing up blocked psyches. Julia Cameron’s been doing this for 20 years and specialises in working with professionals who suffer from writer’s block, so I think we can trust that she knows what she’s talking about. Do yourself a favour and get the paper party started. You’ll be in celebrated company. So as the auteur Jean Cocteau famously said, “We writers are fabulous creatures!”

While we're on the subject of creativity, here's an inspiring short film film – Mankind Is No Island – shot entirely on video camera phone, using typography and simple imagery, that's just won the first prize at the Tropfest short film festival in New York.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrDxe9gK8Gk

If you're looking for IAF archives, they now have a new home, as AOL has closed down its blog hosting. You can now go to Fab Central on the link below and catch up with all the archived entries.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

The Voice Of Experience

Every now and then you get an insight into the world of someone who’s living a very public – and very successful – life. I figure it’s best to pay attention when that happens, because you’re likely to be reminded of some truths that we all try to avoid, particularly if that public figure is big on personal responsibility. Well, they don’t loom much larger on that scale than Oprah, who’s just documented the twenty things she ‘knows for sure’.

You can read the whole kit and caboodle online at http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/inspiration/200811_omag_for_sure_oprah, but in the meantime we’ll just take a look at a few goodies …

“You define your own life. Don’t let other people write your script.” At Fab Towers, we are big proponents of the joys of authenticity and individual creative expression. Yet it’s one of the hardest maxims to stick by when you’re being pulled every which way but loose by other people’s expectations. Have the courage to hold your centre and you’ll get to create an exceptional life.

“Whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present. Only you give it power.” Another tough one there. We all just love a good wallow, but feeling sorry for yourself and giving someone from the past the power over how you feel today is highly destructive. There is a healing time required after any trauma where we need to explore and release our pain, but it very quickly becomes counter-productive to continue to ruminate over the same issues. All the power at your disposal is right here, right now. Leave the past where it belongs or it will suck the life out of the here and now.

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” For the avoidance of doubt, this doesn’t mean being judgemental, but being realistic when someone has been less than respectful of your time, energy or feelings. We particularly like to delude ourselves in the romantic arena by overlooking flaws that have been glaringly obvious from the outset. People show you what they think of you by the way they treat you. Don’t allow people to take up residence in your life if they’re not respectful of who you are, what you need and how you live.

“Trust your instincts. Intuition doesn’t lie.” It may not lie, but we lie to ourselves. As with people showing us who they are, we often over-ride our intuition and that is always going to come with a cost. If you’ve done that, be honest with yourself and notice how you had a nagging feeling things weren’t quite right. Your intuition is always at work, guiding you quietly. You just need to shut up and listen and remember that it won’t always tell you what you want to hear.

“Love yourself and then learn to extend that love to others in every encounter.” The big issue here is learning to love yourself first. Extending love to others without self-love is simply sacrifice and that just leaves you drained and resentful. Fill your own well first and you’ll naturally have plenty of love to give to others freely and joyfully. Your own self-acceptance will allow others to feel free to be themselves – and nurture themselves – too.

“Find a way to get paid for doing what you love. Then every paycheck will be a bonus.” Nothing keeps us more in tune and on song than doing what we love for a living. That’s the holy grail of a working life. Keep that as your major aim and everything else will fall into place. When you’re passionately interested in your own life, you become highly magnetic to good in other areas of your life. If you haven’t managed to make your passion into a career yet, just keep doing it whenever and wherever you can. Self-expression is its own reward.

“When you don’t know what to do, get still. The answer will come.” Stillness is the wellspring of all wisdom. Yet we live in a society that will throw any kind of activity or money at a problem rather than sit still and ponder it for even a few minutes. Be reactionary – learn to embrace the power of stillness. That’s where you’ll learn to calm and comfort yourself and listen clearly to the voice of your intuition, which will lead you down roads you could never have imagined. Get comfortable with silence.

This week, pick one of these pearls of wisdom and reflect on it. Which one stands out for you? How is it showing up in your life? Maybe it’s something that’s working for you – in which case, be very proud of yourself – or maybe it’s something that you already know is true but are trying to avoid taking responsibility about. Write the saying that speaks to you most at the top of your diary page every day for a week. Put it on a sticky note on your desk. Keep reminding yourself of what it is you need to pay attention to and let it work its magic. If it’s working for Oprah, it’s a pretty sure thing that it’s going to work for you too.

Let’s leave the final word to our old friend the genius scientist, Albert Einstein, who seems to have cornered the market in essential wisdom. He tells us “The ideals that have lighted my way time after time and have given me new courage to face life cheerfully have been Kindness, Beauty and Truth”. With that kind of simplicity he could have had an alternative career as a Zen master …

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

Light Years

It turns out that one of my greatest inspirations, Marianne Williamson, is celebrating 25 years of lecturing on A Course In Miracles this month – that’s a hell of a lot of light for one person to put out into the world!

And she’s still doing it. In a recent post on her blog, discussing the US presidential election, she raises the issue of how authentically the candidates have communicated, saying “There is a psychological principle that people hear you on the level that you’re speaking from. If it’s all in your head, then someone hears you with their head. But if it’s coming from your heart, then someone will hear you from your heart. And that’s not just a metaphor; it’s brain functioning.”

Using the Obama and Clinton face-off as an example, Marianne notes “Throughout her campaign, with almost every word she uttered, Hillary Clinton spoke to us from that smart head of hers. And like everyone, she was fated to crash into a wall with that. No matter how smart we are, we don’t break through to our greatness until our mind has been humbled. There is a higher intelligence than the intellect, and that is the ceiling Hillary was not able to break through. She depended on intellect, force of will, external alliances and political strategising – while Obama subsumed all those things under what Mahatma Gandhi called soul force.”

For Gandhi, that principle known as satyagraha had its root meaning in “holding onto truth, hence true-force.” He also called it love-force or soul-force.” It stems from the wellspring of essential goodness – the divine spark – that lies within us all. That same principle of authentic and innate inner beauty lies at the heart of the teachings of A Course In Miracles, to which Marianne Williamson has dedicated her life’s work, with enormous success. So much so that a passage from her book, A Return To Love, formed part of Nelson Mandela’s inauguration speech and is often mis-attributed to him. Although you’ve probably seen it a thousand times, it’s so good it bears repeating …

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

What’s particularly powerful about this quote is that it reminds us of the many ways we hide our truth and our goodness from ourselves and so often project the good that we cannot see in ourselves onto others, particularly in intimate relationships. This principle is echoed in Spiritual Divorce, by the leading shadow coach, Debbie Ford, who writes “Just as we project negative aspects of ourselves onto our partners, we also project our light. For most of us when we fall in love it is because we are seeing our disowned light in someone else. We see in our mates a part of ourselves that is hidden and then the chase begins to capture what we believe will make us whole.”

In the chapter on Reclaiming Our Divine Light, she notes “Having embraced our darkest qualities, it is now time to reclaim our light, our loving, compassionate, creative self. Only when we embrace our darkness and our light equally do we have access to our entire self. And only when we have access to all of who we are can we align to the destiny of our higher selves. When we are dancing in the arms of our soul’s purpose, each of us naturally expresses the precious gifts that we hold.”

To find our way back to an awareness of the personal qualities that we’ve endowed others with, Ford counsels “While your dark shadow is the person you would rather not be, your light shadow is represented by the people who inspire you. We can find our disowned positive qualities by looking outside ourselves at those we admire, those we love and those whom we would like to emulate. When you look outside, you can see yourself in the mirror image of others. Just as we have given so much of our darkness away, we have also hidden that much of our light.”

This week, let’s redress the balance by taking a look at just how much of our own light we’ve projected on to others. Look back at past relationships for clues as to the qualities you were drawn to in your partner. Then notice, as the relationship went on, was that truly a quality of theirs or was it something you later learned to express yourself? Any area of disillusionment in a past relationship is fertile hunting ground for disowned qualities. In my own personal inventory, I’ve noticed an attraction to so-called ‘creative’ partners, yet as I’ve gone on to express myself more creatively they don’t seem to have been quite the creative geniuses I rather idolised in the beginning …

Take a good look at the people you admire – famous people, fictional characters, family or friends – and pay attention to what it is that inspires your admiration. Whatever you find attractive and uplifting in them is a quality lurking within you that’s crying out for expression. Dare to face quite how talented and fabulous you just might be. It could be the missing piece of the puzzle in your quest for a fabulous, authentic life. While we’re all too willing to dig around to find what we think is wrong with us, we could do with a little light relief by focusing on what’s ultimately true – what’s actually right with us.

I’ll leave you with a final word from Ford on the importance of encompassing the entirety of ourselves. As she says “It’s not until we can embrace both our light and dark sides – all of our positive traits and all of our negative traits – that we can truly experience the feeling of emotional wholeness.”

Oh, and Happy 25th Anniversary, Marianne - very glad to have you on my team of projected light!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can be found at http://journals.aol.co.uk/iamfabulousco/IAmFabulous. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

True Colours

I so wasn’t going to do this, but when something keeps staring you right in the face, you just have to deal with it. Apparently there’s barely a person on the planet right now who doesn’t have some issue with relationships – either because they don’t have one or they’re not getting what they want from the one they’ve got.

Of course this is the perennial issue of human dynamics, but it seems to be even more frenetic than usual of late. I’m going to blame this partly on the cycle of Mercury retrograde – a period when communications, ie the bedrock of relationship, can tend to go awry, causing all sorts of confusion and havoc. The good news is that this cycle, which happens for a few weeks about three times a year, will conclude on Wednesday 15 October, so hopefully this chaos will subside and we’ll all get back to trying to understand each other with a little less hysteria thrown in.

While the surface effect of this cycle can be confusing, the underlying purpose is to have a re-think about the major issues that were concerning you when the cycle began, which for this period would have been around 24 September. It’s worth taking a moment to reflect on the kind of thoughts that were occupying your mind around that time and also if any new opportunities or people entered your life then. You’re being given an opportunity to take a closer look and refine your plans or take a deeper look at your relationships and how you approach them.

For those feeling the lack of personal relationship in their life right now, the only cure is acute attention to your own life, by finding and living your own passion – which, paradoxically, will make you attractive to others. Writer Martha Beck hits this particular nail on the head in her article for ‘O’ magazine entitled Damn, I’m Hot: Instructions on Seduction, which you can find at http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/ss_omag_200709_mbeck/1.

She reminds us, “Remember the old Peanuts cartoon in which Lucy mooned endlessly over Schroeder, whose only interest was the piano. That stereotype is based in truth: People who are mastering something that fascinates them become fascinating to others. If you want to capture other people’s attention, put your own attention on something that has nothing to do with them: oil painting, cooking, wildlife rescue. The more you get lost in what you’re doing, the more interesting you’ll become.”

The same advice applies whether you want to find a relationship or improve the one you have. Looking for someone else to fill an empty space in your life is a recipe for disaster. Your emotional needs are your own responsibility. Psychologist Dennis Sugrue, co-author of Sex Matters For Women, makes this point very clear, saying “If you are looking to a partner to make you feel worthwhile, to make you feel happy, to rescue you from a bored or unhappy life, if you are seeking someone to make you feel complete or whole – well, then you have some work to do, because these are needs that are never going to be met by anyone other than yourself.”

Yeah, we all freak out from time to time and start feeling needy or insecure, but it’s up to us to put the brakes on the fast train to Neurosisville, lest we drive ourselves and every one else around us nuts. Love brings up everything unlike itself. We over-analyse, we fret, we obsess, we find ourselves unworthy, we demand attention – now tell me, which particular part of that little list is in any way attractive?

Remember, we are all instinctive beings and we can sense neurosis and fear in others, so if you’re obsessing about someone, you can be damn sure that he or she is fully aware at a subconscious level that this is going on and is very likely to start withdrawing their energy and attention. If you are too present or too available to anyone – even on a subconscious level – it is an unattractive trait, because they never ever get the chance to feel your absence. And we all know what makes the heart grow fonder!

Perhaps the best relationship counsel ever given comes from Cynthia Heimel’s book, If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?, in which she details her sage advice on how to get a man. Ditto for women, by the way – these gems of wisdom are perennial and can apply equally to any relationship, regardless of gender. She writes, “Okay, pay attention now: I have the ultimate man-getting advice. You don’t have to listen to anybody else. Just listen to me. Okay, here’s what you do. Nothing.

“If he’s the wrong man, you can turn yourself inside out with wiles and perfume and French-maid’s outfits and nothing will work. You’ll never get him, you’ll never keep him, you don’t have a chance. If he’s the right man, you can have greasy hair, spinach in your teeth, and your skirt on inside out, and he’ll still be entranced and follow you to the ends of the earth.

“You don’t have to believe me, but what I say is absolutely true. You just have to follow your own personal, weird, goofy little star and some poor sucker is going to come along and die for you …”

Bugger. It really is that simple. Despite the endless array of advice, products, tricks and techniques on the market, the bottom line is that wiles won’t work. Being your authentic self will, but that requires self-knowledge, the courage to confront your own demons and a willingness to put effort and focus into your own life rather than trying to grab someone else’s attention. Oh, and love will come along in its own sweet time and not on the timetable you had planned. Not what we want to hear, maybe, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and accept the way things are. If you’ve really got it going on in your own life, it’s not like you’d feel the lack anyway – relationship would enhance your life, not be the missing link.

Cynthia Heimel’s advice comes with a little addendum, a timely reminder that we should be aware that what we think we want may bring us more than we bargained for and we should prepare accordingly. She says “Okay, the second part of my advice is just as simple, but infinitely harder: To get a man, you have to be ready for a man. Taking a man into your life is an enormous risk. Can you open your heart to a man, can you be trusting and vulnerable knowing that you’re also opening yourself up to the possibility of rejection and heartbreak? Can you withstand rejection and heartbreak? Can you let another person inside your defences, let him know who you really are and what you’re really like, knowing that he might someday leave you? Can you bear it?

“No, neither can I. But I’m trying. It’s quite a trick to build up your defences against heartbreak and yet not be defensive against men. And the trick is to develop self-confidence. Which is quite a trick, especially when you’re feeling needy and desperate. But be brave. Have a good look at yourself. Are you torturing yourself for your singleness? Punishing yourself for your alleged failure? Eating hundreds of thousands of M&Ms to atone for your neediness and desperation?

“Our society has made a practice of punishing its victims. Not only are women being punished (still!) for the feminist movement, but, even worse, they are being flayed alive for feeling weak and dependent and in need of love. Society has taught women to hate themselves. Society sucks. Pay it no mind. Of course you feel lonely and desperate and want love! You’re human! Wanting love is an honourable wish!

“When you stop practicing self-hatred, when you start feeling affection for yourself and your little ways, when you are able to follow that weird and goofy little star of yours, then your fears and defences fall from you like thistledown. Then you’re ready for a man. And then the nightmare begins.”

This week, fabulous people, put your attention firmly on your own life. Forget what’s going on with anyone else – your relationships will simply be reflecting what you need to address in your own inner life. What’s your purpose? Where’s your focus? What are you passionate about? If you’re mooning about over someone, just give it up and go cold turkey on obsessive thoughts – they won’t help anyway. If you’re not getting what you need from your relationship, try giving it to yourself and see how that shakes things up. Your sense of self-confidence and self worth is what teaches other people how to treat you. If you drop your focus on that by making someone else more important, things can only go downhill. Get interested in who you are – follow your own weird, goofy little star – and, curiously enough, other people will too.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can be found at http://journals.aol.co.uk/iamfabulousco/IAmFabulous. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.