The Heart Of The Matter

This week, folks, we’re dealing with the universal question of self-esteem and the way it manifests in relationship. I could just do a riff on that, but having received a really touching message asking for some inspiration, it reminds me that some questions apply to us all. You may not be experiencing exactly these circumstances, but somewhere, somehow there’s a good chance that your own self-worth isn’t entirely weatherproof. If we take a look at one person’s story, we’ll see our own reflected there too. Time for a Coach Fab moment ...

Dear Coach Fabulous

I’m really not lucky when it comes to affairs of the heart. I’ve had two failed relationships and it really pains me, because until now, I still have nightmares. I was traumatised by the bad experiences that I had and could not move on. My first relationship was a failure, the man I married left me because we couldn't have a child and his mother was affecting all of his family decisions. It was extremely painful and left me wondering if I really deserved it.

After him, I met the second man in my life. I loved him so much, accepted him for what he was and we had two children. I have to admit that I fell in love easily with a person I really didn’t know. I lived with him for a year and was able to see his worst and best attitudes. I gave him my best and helped him financially to sustain the growing needs of our children.

Suddenly, I felt that he was trying to control me, trying to take away all of my money which was hard-earned and he was becoming jealous of my children. I felt his coldness, felt that he didn't care. He came home late and only talked about me being always wrong, criticizing my every move.
I almost lost my self-esteem entirely, and I felt extremely humiliated, even by his family. What’s worse is that I've heard from his sister that he didn’t love me and he informed them that I couldn't give him the things that he wanted. Unfortunately, those things he wanted were just material things that would make him happy and make him stay with me. I couldn't help but cry because I know that it's my fault that I fell in love so easily. Most of the time, I easily trust others.

I'm living as a solo parent now, with my mom who has been constantly helping me a lot, and somehow I feel I’ve lost the ‘spark’. I feel the stiffness of my heart and it shows in my eyes. I’ve been lonely for the longest time. Lonely not because I don’t have a partner in life, but because even now, I'm not completely healed from the bruises of my past relationships. He just left me, broken, no sorry, no apology, no nothing.

I need you to shed some light for me - please help me move on and forgive. I love my children more than my life and I hope that I will be able to give them love at all times even though their father left us and doesn’t even think of giving financial support.

Broken

Dear Broken

First of all, let’s clear up some terminology. You might be heart-broken, but you’re not broken. Not by a long shot. You’re a mother trying her very best to hold it together and provide for your children and even after all you’ve been through, you’re looking to find a way to forgive. That’s nowhere near broken in my book.

What shouts loudest to me from your letter is the heavy dose of blame you’ve laid upon yourself for the circumstances you’ve experienced. It’s not helping. Yes, it’s absolutely about taking responsibility for the part you’ve played in how you got to this point, but responsibility recognises that you did the best you knew how at the time and now seeks to find a way to learn from the experience. If you stay in blame (of yourself, the other person or fate), nothing is going to heal anytime soon.

It’s a really important step that you’ve chosen to ask for an outside viewpoint, because you know you don’t want to keep doing the same thing and getting the same results, or take a ‘why me?’ victim stance. It means that while you feel your heart is hardening, there’s a part of it that’s still open to possibility. Take great pride in the fact that your experiences have not made you bitter. You’ve struggled with them and they’ve challenged your trust, but you’re still willing to try to stay open-hearted.

Without blame, let’s look at the fundamental issues here. First of all, no relationship is a failure. We don’t always know why we get together with people. Sometimes they bring us joy, sometimes we learn tough lessons in relationship and not all of them are meant to last. The relationship you thought was the worst might well have been the one that taught you the most, even if it simply taught you that you’d never put up with that again.

There is a paradox going on here that we all fall prey to – that of like meeting like, but in a perverse way. We think that if we give all the time, that will be rewarded or met by a partner who is equally giving. Wrong. That kind of giving – which is in essence low self-worth manifesting as a way of ‘earning’ love – is actually energetically matched by someone who holds you in similar low esteem and is more interested in taking than giving.

There’s a comedy skit on YouTube called BadMatch.com that perfectly illustrates this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k2q1LQBwhg). The woman says to camera “I don’t think I’m worth very much” and her boyfriend chips in “She’s not”. That’s exactly the dynamic we’re talking about – the people in your life will reflect the deepest feelings you hold about yourself. At heart, whether you know it consciously or not, a part of you does not think you deserve any better. This is the part we are going to love into submission.

We all have that issue, to a greater or lesser degree. Don’t think that this is something you’re doing that’s different to or worse than anyone else. You think you fall in love too easily, but I suspect that your battered heart just wants to rest somewhere and feel loved, because there’s precious little love going on inside for yourself. Not having the deadbeat dad around to criticise you and make you feel even worse about yourself is a gift. Use this time to heal and don’t try to escape into another relationship too soon. I know you’re lonely, things are tough and you could really do with some comfort, but while you’re feeling so bad about yourself you’re unlikely to draw someone into your life who would treat you well and you certainly don’t want more of what you’ve already had.

The recipe to heal and ultimately to forgive, is to really get that it’s not about blame but about realisation. Think of this as relationship 101 – we are really only ever in relationship with our deepest opinion of ourselves. On a spiritual level, our partners hold up a mirror for us in which our own self-love is reflected. If we want better relationships, we need to hold ourselves in better esteem so that others will too. When we really get that our partner was matching some part of us where we feel unlovable, undesirable or unworthy, then we can get on with the business of healing and eventually forgiving. Don’t rush to forgiveness until you really feel it. That’s another detour where you can mask pain by pretending to have healed before you’ve actually let go of the hurt – sooner or later it will burst open again and it won’t be pretty. Clean the wound thoroughly before you put a band-aid on it. Be honest with yourself and don’t try to be ‘good’ or forgiving when you don’t feel like it.

What’s enormously hopeful here is that you have it in your power to make very different choices for yourself. Your spark has gone because your love for yourself has gone. All you’re seeing is failure and you’re blaming yourself for it. To move on from this, look at what’s gone before with clear vision. See the ways you abandoned yourself, kept on trying to please someone who treated you badly and then blamed yourself for not receiving love in return. Yes, you chose someone who didn’t know how to love, but we’ve all done that. The real issue is that you don’t know how to love yourself. Sacrifice is not love. There’s a reason why they tell parents to put on their own oxygen masks first in the event of a plane crash – you’re no good to anyone unless you take care of yourself.

How do you start loving yourself? That’s probably one of the toughest questions on this earth, but the answer comes in a million little ways. Self-worth is built stone-by-stone, moment by moment, in the way you speak to yourself, in the way you treat yourself, in the choices you make that help you to feel good about yourself. Here are some basic building blocks to be getting on with:

• Every time you look in the mirror, find something to like about yourself. Cut the criticism dead. Just stop doing it. If it happens, make yourself find something to like. It’s just a bad habit you need to break. Just cutting out the self-attack will take the heat off. If someone else criticises you, don’t collude with them by believing it. For the most part people’s criticism says more about them and their fears than it does about you.
  
• Watch how you abandon yourself and say ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’. Make a new habit of not doing things to please others when you don’t really want to do them. This is a big one. No excuses – just say no. Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’ to your children either – their self-esteem comes partly from how you model your own self-worth. Show them you value yourself so they will learn to do the same for themselves.

• Start doing things you love, that make you feel really yourself. They don’t have to be expensive, but they do have to be fun.
  
• Hang out with people who like you and show you that. Get your close friends to tell you what they love about you. Maybe you have some great qualities you don’t even realise you have.
  
• Give yourself treats. Make them small and make them often. Make them treats of time, of luxury, of joy, of creativity – whatever it is that you need and value most. Each little gift to yourself sends a message to your deepest self that you really value it and honour it.
  
• Get a mantra that you can roll out whenever you’re feeling a little flat. You already know the ‘I Am Fabulous’ one and you can make up one of your own. Even something as simple as ‘I love and value myself’ or ‘I am loving, lovable and loved’ will work. You can up the ante on a spiritual level by saying ‘I am beloved of God and beloved on this earth’ or go for a bit of a spark with ‘I’m a hot, sexy, lovable babe’. If you want to really go for broke, this one can have you turning heads in the street if you work it with focus and attention: ‘I am a goddess – a radiant, creative, magnetic being of divine beauty, divine love and divine power’. Get creative and work up one that suits you. Whenever self-doubt creeps in, roll out one of these.
  
• Start a self-worth journal. Write up all the good stuff you’ve done, the things you like about yourself, the compliments you’ve received, what you really know to be true about yourself and return to it often when you’re not feeling at your best. Do the same with the things you’re grateful for – the more you focus on what’s good about you and your life, the more the spark will return.
  
• When you’ve done the mental makeover, get a physical one. Re-jig your wardrobe, try a new hairstyle, commit to exercise, buy some new make-up – do whatever it takes to start feeling good about yourself and your appearance. Swap clothes with friends if money’s tight. We all have something lurking in the back of the wardrobe that would look a hell of a lot better on someone else.
  
• Stay in your body and in the present moment. Your pain is in the past and you don’t want to live there. Exercise, massage, sitting in the sun, being in nature – all these things make us focus on how we feel in the here and now. Sensory and sensual things ground us and keep us out of head-spin. Resist the temptation to awful-ise, by projecting past pain into the future. Stay present and keep your focus on positive things.

The ways to love yourself are myriad and every single one of them is a choice – a choice to believe you’re worth taking care of, worth loving, worth giving time to, worth treating well. The more you make those kinds of choices, the more you build a kind of inner radiance that casts off those who don’t recognise your worth and draws to you those who do. You become lit from within and that’s totally irresistible.

Don't stay lonely waiting for Prince Charming to rescue you – get very clear that you are absolutely adorable and there will be no shortage of mirrors in the outside world keen to reflect that back to you. That’s not a fairy tale, it’s how attraction works. When you can truly see your own beauty, others cannot see anything else.

Coach Fabulous

So, Fabulistas, this week take a close look at your own current experience. If you’re having a tough time in a particular area of your life, take this opportunity to examine your beliefs about yourself. Could the people involved be reflecting back some unconscious belief you hold? What could this be showing you about your own deepest beliefs about yourself? Let this be the week you commit to giving yourself the love you deserve.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com/. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com/. All material ©2009 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

Sweat The Small Stuff

Day-to-day, we all know it’s the small pleasures that make up a happy life – and apparently it’s the small joys that make all the difference in relationship too. I’ve seen a few interesting pieces crop up recently giving men’s perspective on relationship and, in each, case it was always the small stuff that lit them up when thinking about their partners. It reminded me that life is about the details, the small kindnesses, not just about the big picture.

In one particularly adorable article about ‘What Men Aren’t Telling Women’ for O magazine, Chris Abani writes “We are very insecure about how we look and and what you really think about us, and we are excited when you do small, nice things for us like make coffee or come with us to the barber or just buy us a good book. We’ve been trained never to show this side to you, but it is there.”

It’s not exactly a cause for celebration to know that the opposite sex is as insecure as we are, but it is certainly charming to see the same level of vulnerability at play on both sides. He adds, “We are desperate to please you because we know you are far sexier and more beautiful than you will ever admit to yourself, and we’re confused (but extremely happy) as to why you like us. Here’s the thing: you rescue us every day in small, quiet ways, so why not in this way? Let us into your mystery, tell us how you would like to be loved, show us how to see you, really see you.” I bet he had them queueing up at the door after that one.

Esquire’s Editor in Chief, David Granger, waxed lyrical on a similar theme, when asked what men like most about women, saying “Oh Jesus. We love it when you sit down on the side of the bed and kiss us for no reason. We can’t get over that. We love it when you ask us for advice on something that really matters to you. We love the way you smell. We love the way you smell right after exercising. We love the way you look just before you wake up in the morning. We love it when you argue with us about something – movies, sport, politics – that really doesn’t matter. We love the way you will fill a silence at a dinner party, and we love the way you give us guidance when it comes to our mothers. We love the way you look when you’re half-dressed or half-undressed. We love your certainty, even when we’re sure you’re wrong”.

At no point in that list did I spot any reference to weight, fake boobs or any of the million other contrivances we women think will make us more attractive to men - doesn’t that just make you want to hang up your body fascism and general neurosis about how you look?

I love this comment from a woman with a much younger husband, when asked about the thorny issue of aging. She responded “When you’re with a younger person, you have to think ‘What’s going to happen in five years? Ten? Is he going to leave me?’ Your answer could be ‘I’m going to get a facelift’. My answer is ‘I’m going to be such a beautiful person inside that it’s going to shine through to the outside’.” Right on, sister.

This week, ladies, we’re taking a holiday from neurosis and deciding to be kind and appreciative to ourselves and the ones we love. We’re going to do small, kind things for us and for them. Let’s sweat the small stuff and get happy.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com/. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com/. All material ©2009 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

Face Doesn't Fit?

A couple of people I know are having trouble with ‘face doesn’t fit’ syndrome right now. You know what I mean – your personality, values, dress-sense, whatever, isn’t a match for the prevailing culture (be it corporate or social) and no matter how hard you try, nothing you ever do is appreciated. The short answer, of course, would be to advise them to high-tail it out of there with indecent haste, but that in itself wouldn’t address the deeper issue - if your face doesn’t fit, why exactly would you be hanging around there?

We can all drag out the usual excuses of economic reasons, convenience, duty and responsibility, but the bottom line is we stay somewhere that’s painful because a part of us cannot let go, even when we want to. We want to prove ourselves – to get have our skills, our talents, our beauty, our contribution recognised – but no matter what we throw at it, it’s all good energy after bad. It seems unfair – and it is unfair – yet the longer we get hung up on who’s right and who’s wrong, the longer we avoid facing the basic question of ‘why am I trying to get the approval of people who don’t appreciate me?’.

Life really can be like Groundhog Day if we don’t get to the bottom of the essential question. We can get on our high horse, decide to blame those who failed to appreciate us, then move on to somewhere else where we’ll just replicate exactly the same pattern or we can start to look at what remains unhealed in us that causes us to find ourselves in those kinds of situations.

When you’re still looking to an outside source to give you the approval you crave, you can only find yourself in yet another dysfunctional family. The bad news is all families are dysfunctional, because in our humanness the love and approval we give and receive is conditional. Unconditional love is the preserve of the divine. The good news is that some environments are less dysfunctional than others. If you want to start moving up the scale from ‘face doesn’t fit’ to ‘welcome on board’, you’ll need to start giving yourself the love and acceptance that the world cannot give you.

We chase love and approval in all our relationships – at home, at work, in friendships and even in the most passing of acquaintances – yet what we chase can never be fully received until we are accepting of ourselves. We seem hard-wired to run around trying to get everyone to love us, but it’s only when we genuinely love ourselves that they really will too. Yeah, paradox sucks, but that’s the way it is.

When we care more for the opinion of others than we do for ourselves, we keep showing up in places where we’re not appreciated, as though by getting someone new to approve of us we’ll heal the old wounds of when we weren’t accepted or loved for who we are. Nice thinking, but sadly it doesn’t work that way. More approval from the outside does not heal inner wounds. It papers over the cracks, but eventually those flaws will start to show again. That’s why over-achievers are never satisfied, regardless of the dizzy heights they may reach in their ambitions – absolutely nothing from outside can fill the gaping hole of unworthiness inside.

Tedious as it may seem, there’s no magic bullet – just constant vigilance to take good care of yourself and keep yourself out of harm’s way, to be kind and gentle in the way you treat yourself and to dwell more on the good things about yourself than the ones you think are bad. When you value yourself, your body, your time and your energy, others have no choice but to do the same.
When you don’t, and you stay in environments that you know are destructive for you, one of the first places to suffer will be your health. The specialist in mind/body medicine, Joan Borysenko, reminds us “If we say yes to something while our bones are screaming "NO!", we need to be aware of what that does to the body. The tension this creates immediately releases stress hormones whether we are aware of it or not. These stress hormones engage the body's fight or flight system. If we do this continuously (override our needs), we wear down our adrenals which then compromises the immune system."

Before it gets to that point, gather up your self-respect, realise that you’re chasing something you’re never going to receive and resolve to make a better choice. Sometimes it’s not even as dramatic as a choice between a difficult environment and a better one, but more that your time is done in a particular place and your further growth would be better served in a different environment.

The spiritual author, Henri Nouwen, tells of his struggle in choosing to leave a working culture that he had enjoyed, but was now no longer serving his greater purpose. He writes, “I liked teaching at Harvard and I made some beautiful friends there. At the same time, I didn’t feel Harvard was a safe place for me. It was too much podium, too much publicity, too public. Too many people came to listen for an intellectual understanding rather than spiritual insight. It was an intensely competitive place, an intellectual battle-ground. Harvard was not home. I needed a place where I could pray more. I needed to be in a community where my spiritual life would deepen in relation to others.”

He adds, “My decision to leave Harvard was a difficult one. For many months I was not sure if I would be following or betraying my vocation by leaving. The outer voices kept saying ‘You can do so much good here. People need you!’. The inner voices kept saying ‘What good is it to preach the gospel to others while losing your own soul?’. Finally I realised that my increasing darkness, my feelings of rejection, my inordinate need for affirmation and affection, and my deep sense of not belonging were clear signs that I was not following the way of God’s spirit. The fruits of the spirit are not sadness, loneliness and separation, but joy, solitude, community and ministry. As soon as I left Harvard, I felt so much inner freedom, so much joy and new energy, that I could look back on my former life as a prison in which I had locked myself.”

This week, observe yourself closely for where you are seeking the approval of others, particularly in places where you’re not appreciated. Are you locking yourself in a prison? If you’re a square peg, what are you doing hanging out with the round holes? Why aren’t you looking for a somewhere with a lot of other square pegs? If your face doesn’t fit, find somewhere that it does. And before you go, take a close look at the unhealed issues that landed you in a place like that. They’ve come up for healing, so don’t suppress them or you’ll just find yourself back in a similar prison some time soon.

Give yourself a lot of love this week. Speak kindly to yourself. Drop the criticism. Look in the mirror and smile – don’t count the wrinkles. Remember the good things about yourself and forget the rest. Take a holiday from self-criticism. Give yourself something you’ve been depriving yourself of for a while – maybe it’s a day out, a massage, some new clothes or time alone. It doesn’t have to be expensive, just let it be an action that clearly says you value yourself.

And while you’re at it, say ‘no’ to something you don’t want to do – strong self-worth is as much about saying ‘no’ to what you don’t want as it is saying ‘yes’ to what you do want. Be your fabulous self and love who that is. Dust off the ‘I Am Fabulous’ mantra and give it another whirl. Say it like you mean it – when you believe it, everyone else will too.

Finally, here’s an open letter from James Arthur Ray, author of Harmonic Wealth, to the newly-incumbent President Obama. You might find some inspiration and insight for these troubled times there …

http://blog.jamesray.com/2009/01/open-letter-to-president-obama.html?utm_source=president20090126&utm_medium=content&utm_campaign=Blast

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com/. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com/. All material ©2009 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

The Voice Of Experience

Every now and then you get an insight into the world of someone who’s living a very public – and very successful – life. I figure it’s best to pay attention when that happens, because you’re likely to be reminded of some truths that we all try to avoid, particularly if that public figure is big on personal responsibility. Well, they don’t loom much larger on that scale than Oprah, who’s just documented the twenty things she ‘knows for sure’.

You can read the whole kit and caboodle online at http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/inspiration/200811_omag_for_sure_oprah, but in the meantime we’ll just take a look at a few goodies …

“You define your own life. Don’t let other people write your script.” At Fab Towers, we are big proponents of the joys of authenticity and individual creative expression. Yet it’s one of the hardest maxims to stick by when you’re being pulled every which way but loose by other people’s expectations. Have the courage to hold your centre and you’ll get to create an exceptional life.

“Whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present. Only you give it power.” Another tough one there. We all just love a good wallow, but feeling sorry for yourself and giving someone from the past the power over how you feel today is highly destructive. There is a healing time required after any trauma where we need to explore and release our pain, but it very quickly becomes counter-productive to continue to ruminate over the same issues. All the power at your disposal is right here, right now. Leave the past where it belongs or it will suck the life out of the here and now.

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” For the avoidance of doubt, this doesn’t mean being judgemental, but being realistic when someone has been less than respectful of your time, energy or feelings. We particularly like to delude ourselves in the romantic arena by overlooking flaws that have been glaringly obvious from the outset. People show you what they think of you by the way they treat you. Don’t allow people to take up residence in your life if they’re not respectful of who you are, what you need and how you live.

“Trust your instincts. Intuition doesn’t lie.” It may not lie, but we lie to ourselves. As with people showing us who they are, we often over-ride our intuition and that is always going to come with a cost. If you’ve done that, be honest with yourself and notice how you had a nagging feeling things weren’t quite right. Your intuition is always at work, guiding you quietly. You just need to shut up and listen and remember that it won’t always tell you what you want to hear.

“Love yourself and then learn to extend that love to others in every encounter.” The big issue here is learning to love yourself first. Extending love to others without self-love is simply sacrifice and that just leaves you drained and resentful. Fill your own well first and you’ll naturally have plenty of love to give to others freely and joyfully. Your own self-acceptance will allow others to feel free to be themselves – and nurture themselves – too.

“Find a way to get paid for doing what you love. Then every paycheck will be a bonus.” Nothing keeps us more in tune and on song than doing what we love for a living. That’s the holy grail of a working life. Keep that as your major aim and everything else will fall into place. When you’re passionately interested in your own life, you become highly magnetic to good in other areas of your life. If you haven’t managed to make your passion into a career yet, just keep doing it whenever and wherever you can. Self-expression is its own reward.

“When you don’t know what to do, get still. The answer will come.” Stillness is the wellspring of all wisdom. Yet we live in a society that will throw any kind of activity or money at a problem rather than sit still and ponder it for even a few minutes. Be reactionary – learn to embrace the power of stillness. That’s where you’ll learn to calm and comfort yourself and listen clearly to the voice of your intuition, which will lead you down roads you could never have imagined. Get comfortable with silence.

This week, pick one of these pearls of wisdom and reflect on it. Which one stands out for you? How is it showing up in your life? Maybe it’s something that’s working for you – in which case, be very proud of yourself – or maybe it’s something that you already know is true but are trying to avoid taking responsibility about. Write the saying that speaks to you most at the top of your diary page every day for a week. Put it on a sticky note on your desk. Keep reminding yourself of what it is you need to pay attention to and let it work its magic. If it’s working for Oprah, it’s a pretty sure thing that it’s going to work for you too.

Let’s leave the final word to our old friend the genius scientist, Albert Einstein, who seems to have cornered the market in essential wisdom. He tells us “The ideals that have lighted my way time after time and have given me new courage to face life cheerfully have been Kindness, Beauty and Truth”. With that kind of simplicity he could have had an alternative career as a Zen master …

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.