A Change Is Gonna Come

By the time you read this, the American presidential inauguration will probably have taken place for a candidate who rode in on slogans of change. My guess is that he probably hadn’t imagined quite how much change we’d all be experiencing by this time – and not all of it feeling too good. But then again, unexpected change is rarely experienced as a joyful event. As creatures of habit, we don’t like it when the walls shake around us and we’re forced to open up to a new way of being. We try desperately to hang on – even to things that aren’t working for us – just to avoid change. Yet, as we grow and change within ourselves, we become totally incompatible with the structures – and often the people – with which we’ve surrounded ourselves.

While we’re feeling the impact of the collapse of so many structures in our collective lives, we’re bound to be experiencing similar breakdowns in our private lives, where relationships, friendships and work environments that no longer bring us joy are beginning to feel totally untenable. Navigating these times is going to take a little faith and a lot of intuition, as we work through our own individual renegotiation of our assets and liabilities, to balance the books on our personal lives.

There’s a sweet illustration of this in a book a friend lent me on the weekend, Petite Anglaise, by an English girl whose blog about her life in Paris became a cause celebre when she lost her job over it (and subsequently won the case). More interestingly, the book covers the impact on her personal life as her social life expanded when the blog became successful, ultimately taking its toll on her relationship. The subtitle tells it all: In Paris, In Love, In Trouble.

Having pursued her childhood dream to live in Paris, had a child – Tadpole – with her French partner, Mr Frog, her life had settled into the deadening routine of metro, boulot, dodo or tube, work, sleep that we all know so well. Her relationship with Mr Frog was as dead as that routine, but still somehow functioning. Then, through her blog, she struck up a conversation with one of her readers, who lit a spark of passion in her otherwise flat-lined life. That’s where the change (otherwise known as trouble) begins. The ensuing story is a real rollercoaster that highlights just how – even when we’re not willing to accept it – change can spread through our lives like wildfire. And just like fire, when it’s done with destruction, there’s an opportunity for new life to arise again.

That’s the bit we usually forget when faced with change. We focus on what we are about to lose, rather than what can rise up in its place – and that it could be even better than what we’re currently holding on to for dear life.
Problem is, none of us are overly keen on a baptism of fire, yet that does seem to be the way life likes to throw change at us. Or, more accurately, that’s how life has to throw change at us when we refuse to read the signposts along the way.

Of course I say this as a card-carrying, world-class, Olympic-standard avoider of change, utterly word-blind when it comes to reading the signs in my own life – although I am getting a little better at that. Let me illustrate.

Let’s see, it took being incapacitated by chronic fatigue so badly that I didn’t even get out of bed for six months (or recover for several years) for me to grasp the concept that the work I was doing (and the workaholic way in which I was doing it) was completely incompatible with who I was at heart, and that it was eating away at my immune system on a daily basis.

Ah yes, and then there’s a relationship that went on for six years when it was probably only good for about six months. We were fabulous friends, but in all honesty, that’s what we should have stayed. Did I leave in the early days when I realised it probably wasn’t going to go the distance? Nah, held on to the bitter end, as it all crumbled slowly and painfully around me.

So, those are some of my qualifications for the How Not To Do It club and there’s plenty more where that came from. Curiously enough, those kinds of experiences are precisely the ones that have given me the greatest growth and wisdom – even if most of it came after the fact. Don’t know about you, but I think I’d rather listen to someone who’d been through the mill, rather than just had a theory about it. Anyway, here we all are, going through the mill together in times of enormous change and my hard-won best advice is pay attention and act early.

This week, really take a look at the structures and patterns in your life and see just how well they’re working for you. If something’s feels stale and lifeless, investigate whether it’s DOA or capable of resuscitation. If there are no signs of life, start looking elsewhere. If you hang on to a dead thing, sooner or later it’s going to stink.

If something’s not working for you, but you can see a better way to handle it, speak up. This is no time to stifle your feelings or your opinions. Maybe the other person or the organisation could do with a new viewpoint. We’re all in this together and it’s a time to look forward, not get tied up in the constraints of the past. You can’t follow your intuition if you’re suppressing what it’s bringing up, so pay real attention to your all your feelings and those uncanny inklings that foretell the winds of change. It feels a whole lot better to be riding the wave than get dumped by it.

If you’ve outgrown something, have the courage to face it head on. Avoidance is not a helpful strategy. Having been the queen of that particular tactic, you have first-hand evidence that it’s not the way to go – and that it makes for a rocky ride. Get with the programme sooner rather than later, as the wisdom gained from taking the long way round does rather tend to come at a hefty price.

Be fabulous – bite the bullet and face things exactly as they are. When you do that, your intuition will kick in and help you find the path that really is right for you. Clarity is your security. When you know what you’re dealing with, you can handle it.

Mystic Vision

May you live in interesting times.” Apparently that’s an old Chinese curse. If the current socio-economic climate is anything to go by, it’s bang up to date. Which of course leads me to the question on everybody’s lips – what the hell is going on? If anyone tells you they have an absolute answer, I’d avoid them like the plague. This one’s too tough for anyone to call. We are in the uncharted waters of a massive transformation of all the structures in our outer world and the old ways (and certainties) no longer apply.

What the situation does require, however, is a flexibility and willingness to embrace change without assuming it’s going to be pejorative. One of the most potentially destructive human characteristics is to assume that change is necessarily bad. It stops us from taking a chance, being our authentic selves and fully experiencing life. Yes, change is difficult for us all, but at the other end of that tunnel lies greater possibility if you’re willing to go with the flow, rather than fight against it.

In these uncertain times, your greatest success skills will be learning to turn inward for guidance, staying flexible and aware, and having the willingness to believe in a positive outcome, regardless of the general consensus. Independence of thought is vital when structures are decaying. You’re certainly not going to thrive in changing circumstances by doing things the way you’ve always done them.

As the author Caroline Myss emphasises, “The turning of the tides is done from above and from within. It is you who must learn to work with the power of your interior forces, to scaffold your inner consciousness and build a soul with stamina, so that when chaos abounds around you, you can see through it rather than be consumed by it.”

She adds, “We can look at this time as a nightmare of chaos or we can look at this time as that which we have prepared ourselves for during these past many years, working on our health and on becoming more conscious individuals. If this isn’t the time to put all that you’ve learned about being a conscious person into action, then when would be that time? Ask yourself, ‘Why have I worked so hard on myself?’ Was it just to process the wounds from your childhood? Well, if it was, be done with that and get on with the business of thinking, living, acting, and perceiving the world around you through the lens of a mystic. This is the time to apply all the laws of the cosmos to every one of your challenges, to approach every problem through mystical reasoning and not that of ordinary reasoning, which will draw you backwards and into your history. Looking backwards at what you used to do or how you used to do something will not work anymore.”

To truly have mystical vision, you’ll need to focus on the opportunity presented to you, not dwell on the chaos or the loss. Myss notes “To me, this is a time of great hope, because when chaos abounds, so does opportunity. It can look as if the field of opportunity is bleak, but that is simply not true … you must keep your attention in the present in order to ‘perceive’ intuitive instructions. These will rarely speak of what you have already done. Rather you have to be prepared to do what you have not done before, as your intuition will always direct you to draw on new inner resources, as opposed to relying on the old and familiar … Wisdom teaches us, for example, that if all we thought was stable evaporated so easily, it can all be replaced just as quickly. Chaos is as much an illusion as stability. What is not an illusion is truth. Truth is the one constant. Look at whatever is happening in your life and remind yourself that if it is chaotic, there is something old that must be surrendered. Look to your interior and listen for guidance. Remind yourself that you are alive at this time because you are meant to manoeuvre through these changes. Move forward, ever forward. And think like a mystic!”

This week, calm down your fearful emotions and pay more attention to what’s going on inside rather than outside. Be willing to stay aware of how you’re being triggered by outside events and to choose to listen more closely to your inner promptings. Put yourself on a news diet and keep away from those who are all doom and gloom. Hang out with positive people who are also willing to look for opportunity and growth in crisis. Stick to the facts and keep any temptation to panic under control. Keep a cool head and an intuitive heart. That’s how you’ll find your way through tough times in a manner that’s meaningful to you and that brings more growth and purpose. Stay visionary, get comfortable with uncertainty and let your mystic vision lead the way.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

The Voice Of Experience

Every now and then you get an insight into the world of someone who’s living a very public – and very successful – life. I figure it’s best to pay attention when that happens, because you’re likely to be reminded of some truths that we all try to avoid, particularly if that public figure is big on personal responsibility. Well, they don’t loom much larger on that scale than Oprah, who’s just documented the twenty things she ‘knows for sure’.

You can read the whole kit and caboodle online at http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/inspiration/200811_omag_for_sure_oprah, but in the meantime we’ll just take a look at a few goodies …

“You define your own life. Don’t let other people write your script.” At Fab Towers, we are big proponents of the joys of authenticity and individual creative expression. Yet it’s one of the hardest maxims to stick by when you’re being pulled every which way but loose by other people’s expectations. Have the courage to hold your centre and you’ll get to create an exceptional life.

“Whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present. Only you give it power.” Another tough one there. We all just love a good wallow, but feeling sorry for yourself and giving someone from the past the power over how you feel today is highly destructive. There is a healing time required after any trauma where we need to explore and release our pain, but it very quickly becomes counter-productive to continue to ruminate over the same issues. All the power at your disposal is right here, right now. Leave the past where it belongs or it will suck the life out of the here and now.

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” For the avoidance of doubt, this doesn’t mean being judgemental, but being realistic when someone has been less than respectful of your time, energy or feelings. We particularly like to delude ourselves in the romantic arena by overlooking flaws that have been glaringly obvious from the outset. People show you what they think of you by the way they treat you. Don’t allow people to take up residence in your life if they’re not respectful of who you are, what you need and how you live.

“Trust your instincts. Intuition doesn’t lie.” It may not lie, but we lie to ourselves. As with people showing us who they are, we often over-ride our intuition and that is always going to come with a cost. If you’ve done that, be honest with yourself and notice how you had a nagging feeling things weren’t quite right. Your intuition is always at work, guiding you quietly. You just need to shut up and listen and remember that it won’t always tell you what you want to hear.

“Love yourself and then learn to extend that love to others in every encounter.” The big issue here is learning to love yourself first. Extending love to others without self-love is simply sacrifice and that just leaves you drained and resentful. Fill your own well first and you’ll naturally have plenty of love to give to others freely and joyfully. Your own self-acceptance will allow others to feel free to be themselves – and nurture themselves – too.

“Find a way to get paid for doing what you love. Then every paycheck will be a bonus.” Nothing keeps us more in tune and on song than doing what we love for a living. That’s the holy grail of a working life. Keep that as your major aim and everything else will fall into place. When you’re passionately interested in your own life, you become highly magnetic to good in other areas of your life. If you haven’t managed to make your passion into a career yet, just keep doing it whenever and wherever you can. Self-expression is its own reward.

“When you don’t know what to do, get still. The answer will come.” Stillness is the wellspring of all wisdom. Yet we live in a society that will throw any kind of activity or money at a problem rather than sit still and ponder it for even a few minutes. Be reactionary – learn to embrace the power of stillness. That’s where you’ll learn to calm and comfort yourself and listen clearly to the voice of your intuition, which will lead you down roads you could never have imagined. Get comfortable with silence.

This week, pick one of these pearls of wisdom and reflect on it. Which one stands out for you? How is it showing up in your life? Maybe it’s something that’s working for you – in which case, be very proud of yourself – or maybe it’s something that you already know is true but are trying to avoid taking responsibility about. Write the saying that speaks to you most at the top of your diary page every day for a week. Put it on a sticky note on your desk. Keep reminding yourself of what it is you need to pay attention to and let it work its magic. If it’s working for Oprah, it’s a pretty sure thing that it’s going to work for you too.

Let’s leave the final word to our old friend the genius scientist, Albert Einstein, who seems to have cornered the market in essential wisdom. He tells us “The ideals that have lighted my way time after time and have given me new courage to face life cheerfully have been Kindness, Beauty and Truth”. With that kind of simplicity he could have had an alternative career as a Zen master …

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

The Gift & The Servant

I seem to spend my life talking about the need for inner-directedness amidst a world that constantly demands outer attention and activity. There are so many distractions, so many ways in which we fall into old patterns of behaviour – whether they work or not – just because they’re easier or generally more culturally acceptable. Tapping into your own inner wisdom may not appear to be the path of greatest ease, but then again repeatedly banging your head up against a brick wall isn’t exactly a laugh a minute either, is it? There surely must be some cosmic joke in the fact that we seem hell-bent on persevering with our ineffective coping strategies and self-defeating behaviours long after it becomes blindingly obvious that they’re not getting the desired result. Clearly the triumph of hope over experience is the definition of the human condition.

Now, I’m all for an easy life, rather than having things be a constant struggle. That’s not to say I don’t have my own issues – ‘slow learner’ would probably be written on my spiritual report card – but I am finally grasping the concept that the creative, inner-driven approach is always the one that spells ease. Too much effort means you’re not allowing things to come to you.

The intuitive approach taps first into the power of the inner world, harnessing the creative spirit, before action is taken. It allows for synchronicity to get to work on your behalf, so you don’t have to do so much legwork in the outer world. Why do it the hard way by chasing something, when a little inner work could draw it towards you so much more easily? However, this does require you to honour and trust the inklings of the inner world above the seeming certainties of the outer world and its logical approach. If you’re uncomfortable living with a little mystery, this one’s going to be a tough call for you.

Interestingly enough, the man who brought us E=MC2, Albert Einstein, expressed a similar opinion, when he said “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind its faithful servant. We have created a society that honours the servant and has forgotten the gift.”

Way to go, Albert. Let’s not forget this is history’s leading scientist telling us to trust the mystery first and the logic second. He wasn’t dismissing either, simply placing them in their correct order. As one of our most inspired thinkers, it strikes me that it’s a pretty safe bet to follow a path he’s already laid out for us if we want to live fabulous lives of inspiration ourselves.
That said, he also cautioned that “Intuition does not come to an unprepared mind”.

You need to put in the groundwork so you can be gifted with the power of inspiration. Vision requires dedication and three distinct qualities – receptivity, trust and surrender. Your intuition is constantly flowing, but it’s like a radio frequency you must actively tune into. The act of receptivity is the willingness to know that creative inspiration is available to you. The element of trust is not only to believe that it’s there for you, but to take action upon the information you’re given. The art of surrender is the willingness to be open to pursuing a course of action even when you don’t know why you have the impulse to follow it or what purpose it may serve.

When the rational mind – the servant – is ruling the roost, it misses opportunities because it won’t take action without a logical reason being in place beforehand. When intuition is in charge, action taken on a seemingly illogical impulse can lead to extraordinary turns of events that your rational mind may never have been able to contemplate.

Underlying this process is a force that’s deeper than how the law of attraction is currently portrayed via The Secret and other material of its ilk. To me, it’s the law of magnetism. It’s more profound than intent and attraction. It rests in a knowing that you are a spark of the divine and that when you tap into that knowledge you are tapping into an enormous well-spring of creativity, abundance and joy. It’s not an energy that strives. It’s a deeply feminine knowing that allows you to be receptive, to trust and to be peacefully confident without needing to control the outcome.

In her recent book, The Answer is Simple – Love Yourself, Live Your Spirit, Sonia Choquette writes elegantly of the essential spiritual truth about us all, saying “You’re Divine. You’re made of light, love and grace. You’re holy and your body and personality are the caretakers of this sacred presence. To house this Divinity in your being, in your physical self, is a gift and should be a pleasure. To accept your true nature is a huge, undeniable step toward self-love.”

Again, we hear echoes of Einstein, as Sonia Choquette reminds us that the gift lies in our essence, not our body or personality. And before any of us decide to come over all austere and self-denying on the basis of that little quote, let’s remember that the issue is not about denying ourselves the pleasures of life, but in getting our priorities right.

So, this week, let’s see if we can get the law of magnetism up and running in your life. If there’s something you really want to make happen, but clarity or achievement seem to be eluding you, go back to basics. The magic happens when you’re clear from the outset. Set aside some time to sit quietly and really sense how it feels to know that your true essence is divine. Imagine yourself sitting quietly in the centre of all the maelstrom the world can offer, simply allowing what is right for you to fall into your lap. Ponder on what you think you need and let it go, trusting that the right solution will find its way to you. Surrender your concepts of needing to know how it will happen. Just see it being brought to you elegantly and easily.

Then, whatever happens, just keep trusting. Maybe what you’re asking for is no longer what’s right for you. Maybe there’s a better option that can’t come through until you let go of the one you’ve set your sights on. If you find yourself stressed about it, take some time out to settle your energy back into peace and trust. If an impulse to take action arises and it feels right, go for it whether or not you know where it will lead. Have some faith in mystery. If it’s good enough for Einstein, it should be good enough for you!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can be found at http://journals.aol.co.uk/iamfabulousco/IAmFabulous. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

Reclaiming Inner Wisdom

It’s a new home for everyone – not just me – as I Am Fabulous relocates to its new address at Chez Fabulous. With Fab Towers becoming a bit of a moveable feast, it made sense to have a one-stop shop for all things fabulous. Now that the move is over, it’s possible to apply 20/20 hindsight and detail a few of the major insights the relocation process has highlighted, just to round off the whole experience.

· Today’s bargain is tomorrow’s clutter – embarrassingly, quite a few items discovered in the move still had price tags on or had never been worn. Not exactly a bargain if you never use it, is it?

· Have just enough to know exactly what you’ve got – as the not-so-proud owner of two pairs of precisely the same Fendi shoes bought in Cannes a year apart because I’d forgotten I’d bought the first pair, a clearer set of cupboards might have brought that to light.

· Experiences are more valuable than stuff – when I’m thinking about what’s important to me, it’s not multiple-purchases of Fendi mules that cross my mind. It’s always experiences with people or places (in the inner worlds and outer ones).

· Call on your friends and share the load – when it all seems too much, good friends will listen, make you laugh and help out if needs be. That team effort will get you through just about anything.

· Do things when you get the first inkling – the entire process of clearing out would have been so much easier if I’d started when I first got the intuition a move was on the cards, instead of in a mad rush on a deadline.

· Take things one step at a time – if you want to avoid overwhelm, do a project in bite-sized chunks. Of course I tore the house apart until it looked like New Orleans after Katrina, then had to live in chaos for weeks. If I’d tackled a room at a time, it would have been a much more pleasant experience. Do what I say, not what I did!

· Change will show you where you’re weakest – I found myself slipping into feelings of overwhelm far more often than I would have expected. It showed me that overwhelm and helplessness are instinctive stress responses of mine. The antidote was telling myself to put one foot in front of the other and deal with what was right in front of me. It got me through and it all got done in the end.

· Have faith that it’ll all be OK and somehow it will be – despite scaring myself countless times with ‘what if’ scenarios, it all worked out as most things invariably do. There’s less stress if you stay relaxed and don’t terrify yourself with all the things that could go wrong.

· Not everyone’s going to understand your reasons – radical change makes people uncomfortable, so don’t expect everyone to think you’re doing the right thing. As long as you do, that’s the vote that counts!

· Lightening up equals freedom – the less you have, the more flexible you become and the more open to new experiences and options. That goes for stuff as much as for rules about living, judgements and set patterns of behaviour. Less is always more.

· Movement shifts energy and you never know where that might lead – when you make a radical change in one area, there’s always a knock-on effect in another. Watch for an upturn in new insights and opportunities when you’ve taken a leap of faith.

· Your security lies in who you are, not your stuff – we know that intellectually, but we don’t really know it viscerally until we loosen the bonds with our possessions. What makes us happy is the quality of our relationship with ourselves and others. Stuff is a bonus, but it’s no substitute for inner peace.

Apropos of our relationship with ourselves, I’ve come across a memoir by Gail Straub called Returning To My Mother’s House: Taking Back The Wisdom Of The Feminine, which she describes as “the story of how I returned to my mother’s house and reclaimed my own female wisdom, taking back what both Mom and I had betrayed”. Straub adds, “I see now how my story is so many of our stories. It is the story of both men and women who have abandoned their inner lives, leaving behind their hearts where deep, dark feelings reside; putting aside their intuitive imagination where dreams flourish; ignoring the invisible worlds where the irrational and the mysterious offer their incomparable gifts; and disowning the realms of silence, simplicity and solitude where the interior matures. Modern life rarely acknowledges or even allows space for such things. But we ignore these things at our peril, both as individual human beings and as an earth family.”

Recalling her travels in Bali, Straub describes a world where the feminine, right-brained intuitive and creative skills are dominant, in stark contrast to our masculine Western world. She reminisces “Unlike the Western world’s constant emphasis on the rational left brain, the Balinese culture was a celebration of the instinctual right brain. We were immersed in a vital process of dance, theatre, music, painting, wood carving and mask-making, not just as art forms but as interpretations of life. We learned that creativity is so natural and widespread in Bali that there is no actual word in their language for art or artist. Rather creativity is the natural means of honouring the gods and serving the community. Many women came home from Bali to take up forgotten passions of dance, piano, singing, painting, or poetry. I vowed to return to my love of writing.”

Through her writing she has detailed the journey to recovery of her inner wisdom and vital creativity, as well as the story of her mother’s lost authenticity. Remembering her mother’s gradual decline from vibrancy to conservatism, Straub says “I realised that those we love never really die. But what surely did die, long before my mother did, were her dreams and her connection to her innate female wisdom. A gifted and successful artist, with a passionate spirit and a wildly colourful bohemian wardrobe, my mother gradually gave up her vivid individuality as she grew into her roles as wife, working mother and aspiring member of an upscale conservative society. Then, wrestling with a fatal illness, she died too soon. The spiritual loss, more than the physical loss, of my mother has haunted me.”

“This loss of my mother’s authentic self has shaped my life, propelling me around the globe to reclaim what she left behind, to retrace the series of small deaths she suffered each time she abandoned more of her instinctual wisdom. I, too, betrayed my feminine, paying blind allegiance to the flag of the masculine, with its bold stripes of workaholism, speed and overdrive. Luckier than my mother, I realised that my feminine was dying before it was too late, before there was no turning back, before the spiritual dying entered my body and made me sick. With the consciousness and resources of my generation, I came to understand why I had sacrificed my interior life – the rich realm of feelings and moods, intuition and creativity, stillness and contemplation – to the overwhelming seduction of our dominant cultural values. I came to see why I had fallen under the spell of a culture that pays tribute to rational thought and exterior accomplishment, and at all costs, on all levels, encourages and rewards the principles of bigger, more and faster.”

This week, give some space to the reclaiming of your own authentic self with the principles of smaller, less and slower. Choose small goals, activities or treats that remind you of who you are at heart. Remember what inspired you or made you laugh when you were small. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by obligations or stuff, let things go until you feel the sense of freedom and creativity that comes from empty space. Do things slowly and deliberately, taking time to feel the sunshine on your face, the smell of fresh herbs, the calmness that comes from having no particular place to go and nothing to be or do. Do only what makes you feel authentically yourself and say no to everything else. Choosing what feels right to you – regardless of the cultural imperative – is the first step to reclaiming your inner wisdom.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.