Dating & Relating

Bottom line, everything comes down to relationship – the relationship you have to yourself, to others, to money, to life … it’s an unassailable fact that all the problems in life boil down to the thorny issue of relationship. Even if you try hiding out on a desert island, there’s still the little matter of the relationship you have with yourself. There’s just no escaping it.

So let’s all breathe a huge sigh of relief for the spiritual wisdom shared by Charlotte Kasl in her books If The Buddha Dated and If The Buddha Married. A slightly cynical part of me wonders whether If The Buddha Divorced is in the works, but let’s just be grateful for all the help we can get, shall we?

Charlotte Kasl has gathered together some helpful Buddhist principles, along with Sufi and Quaker techniques, to bring more clarity to the subjects of dating and relating. This is where Buddhism really comes into its own, for its emphasis on detachment, which allows us to really see what’s going on, rather than getting stuck in our own viewpoint.

In If The Buddha Dated, Kasl writes about the most basic need to ground ourselves in our own authenticity, because relating with others – particularly in a romantic sense – can bring up the unhealed places in us from past traumas and the negative self-perceptions that we’ve come to see as truth from years of repetition. Vowing to commit to being our authentic self is vital for self-esteem and essential in holding your own space around others.

She notes “We become spiritually grounded when we make this commitment to ourselves: More than anything else, I want myself. I want to live with integrity and truth. I’m not going to hide the jewel of who I am, nor mask my imperfections. No bargains, no avoiding reality, no conning myself, no lies. The more we commit to knowing and accepting ourselves, the more we are able to surrender to loving another person because we have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. Our spiritual commitment to truth and integrity creates a safe harbour within us – a mooring, a home to return to when the journey gets rough. This is immensely important in the dating process because new love can resurrect our most primitive feelings of fear, hope, dependency and emptiness. If we know how to soothe our pain and relax into our emptiness, we won’t be afraid to be open and honest, regardless of the outcome.”

What an amazing vow. I’m inclined to suggest that it’s one you should write out on a card and carry it around with you. Imagine reminding yourself every morning that you’re not going to hide the jewel of who you are – that’s got to be a kick-ass way to start the day!

Reminding us that it’s holding our own centre that brings us growth and security, Kasl adds “If we succumb to fear, we start holding back, and do that all-too-common dance of getting close, then pulling away. When we remember that our safe harbour depends on our awareness and honesty, we’re less likely to make internal compromises, put on masks or act like a chameleon to attract a partner or keep a hurtful relationship together. If we live by truth we may have pain, but we will always rest securely within ourselves.”

Authenticity is always going to be about holding that core of your own inner truth against whatever pull of the outside world is threatening to throw you off course. Naturally, we all end up making detours that are probably ill-advised, but unless we have a strong sense of self, we can drift way off purpose following someone else’s dream or fulfilling someone else’s desire. That point is as valid in a work arena as in intimate relationships. The advice for dating rings true in any form of relationship, be it business or personal.

Another fascinating aspect of all relationships is how rarely we are simply reacting to what is in front of us. We know for sure that we’re igniting our baggage and bringing the past into the present when we have a strong reaction to a person or an event. If your emotions are being intensely triggered, consider it the iceberg effect – most of what is going on is not on the surface.

In If The Buddha Married, Kasl writes “We are all a marvellous maze of different parts and levels of development. A question I have found very helpful for myself and my clients is simply this: How old do I feel right now? Sometimes we feel centred and grown-up; other times, we feel young, off-centre or confused. Our frustration might feel like a three-year-old having a tantrum or resemble a rebellious teenager. These states may switch rapidly in response to different people and situations. The point is to realise when we’re in a childlike state and understand that it is not primarily about the current situation. We are emotionally wired into a past experience that is affecting our response. We need to stop and reflect before acting.”

That, folks, is the simple truth that gets in the way of so many relationships – when our past gets on a collision course with someone else’s present, they’ll need to duck for cover unless we’re willing to take responsibility and recognise that our old rage, resentment, fear, hurt or sadness has been triggered. That doesn’t mean they’re necessarily in the right, but that we to make sure that our response to whatever has triggered us is proportionate and appropriate. And that we can express ourselves truthfully and responsibly, without fear or a need for retaliation.

There’s a helpful list of child states – or automatic reactions from past trauma – in the book, to which Kasl adds the caveat “The idea is not to judge yourself or attempt some impossible notion of perfection. It’s to bring awareness and understanding to yourself. For example, if you repeatedly feel worried about people’s reactions – Do they like me? Am I doing it right? – it can be very helpful to understand that it is probably more about your reaction as a child to a critical parent than current reality. You can learn to say to yourself ‘That was then, this is now’. What is actually going on now?”

Kasl also advises “When you go through the list, explore the nature of your responses. For example, if you tend to break agreements, is it because you over-commit and feel afraid to say no, or is it because you feel resentful of being asked to help? Most of us have a few predominant age regressions. Remember all of these responses are about conditioning. You existed before taking on all these thoughts and beliefs and your true essence or consciousness that dwells within your centre is perfect and free.”

Common Traits Of Child States Or Trauma

Fear of saying what you feel, need, think and want.
Fear of saying no and setting limits.
Feeling hurt, mad or rejected when someone says no to you.
Fear of being left, hurt abandoned.
Fear of conflict and differences.
Fear of being swallowed up and losing your identity.
Fear of violence.
Intense angry outbursts: screaming, yelling, name-calling.
Rationalising/making up excuses for your partner’s behaviour.
Taking on the worries and anxieties of your partner.
Breaking agreements, not following through on tasks you agreed to do.
Blame: not taking responsibility for your actions.
Feeling entitled to be waited on, supported, taken care of.
Withholding, withdrawing, refusing to talk.
Feeling uneasy, possessive or jealous when your partner seeks out new friends and feels passionate about their interests.
Feeling afraid or embarrassed to tell your partner you’ve made a mistake.
Feeling needy, insecure or afraid of being alone.
Defensiveness – having difficulty listening to your partner without interrupting to explain yourself or prove your partner wrong.
Being in unequal roles, such as parent-child, teacher-student or enlightened one-neophyte, rescuer-rescuee, healthy one-emotionally damaged one.
Active addictions to drugs, food, gambling, shopping, sex, work that are not being addressed.
Using sex to try to creat a closeness that is lacking in the relationship or saying yes when you really want to say no or no when you really want to say yes.
Frequent headaches, stomach aches, tensions, low energy, boredom with life, feeling stuck.

OK, take a deep breath – that list is hard going. If you got through it without recognising a few of your own, you’re probably in denial. Again, remind yourself this is not about making you feel guilty, but about bringing light to the shadow parts of ourselves that haven’t made it to grown-up territory quite yet. And we all have a lot of those, so there’s nothing to feel bad about. Plus, awareness is half the battle. When you realise you’re doing something out of an ingrained habit, you can give yourself the breathing space that allows you to start reacting differently. The mantra that will get you across the bridge from teenage-style tantrum to adult appropriate reaction when you realise your past has been triggered is ‘That was then, this is now’. Accompany it with a few deep breaths and you’re on your way to acting out of your authentic self, not your conditioned self. That’s real progress.

This week, give the list a good going over and start working up your own hit parade of favourite negative patterns. Pay attention to what sets you off and see if you can catch them as they happen, remembering to say to yourself ‘That was then, this is now’ before reacting. If you don’t manage it, don’t beat yourself up either. This is a detachment technique that requires practice. You will get it and ultimately you’ll be able to laugh at yourself – in a kind way! – when you catch your three-year-old or thirteen-year-old self at it again. And remember to start your day with the thought that more than anything you want yourself - your authentic self - and you will not hide the jewel of who you are. How fabulous is that?

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

The God Of Small Things

Uncertainty is the great de-stabiliser for us all. At a most basic human level, we’re all little control freaks who like our security and certainty and currently, on a global level, we’re getting none of that. There are plenty of doomsayers out and about and every day brings some fresh disaster to up the tension. This all plays into our underlying fear of uncertainty, leaving us insecure and hyper-vigilant for the next problem heading our way. Let’s call it ‘the light at the end of the tunnel must be an on-coming train’ syndrome, which we seem to be experiencing collectively right now.

So how do you find any sense of peace in a world that’s going crazy? For me it’s the god of small things, connecting with the little moments that remind you who you are at heart and give you faith for the future. It’s finding a happiness that arises from within, less driven by outer events. If it’s all going to hell in handbasket outside, what other choice do you have? You have to find your security within yourself. And that’s not an impractical act. When you have a strong core, you’re less affected by what’s going on around you and more driven by your own values, as well as having the benefit of your own intuitive guidance.

The author Zsusannah Budapest says “Happiness is a spiritual value. The spirituality that puts bread on the table and puts a roof over your head is a very valuable spirituality. A spirituality that disregards that your stomach is empty and you don't have a roof over your head and you don't have any self-esteem is not spiritual, it's just somebody's money-making scheme. Spirituality has to address practical matters. Finding the purpose in your life would find you meaningful work. I think that's spiritual. Finding a mate with whom you share your soul and body is spiritual. Finding your self-esteem, which is my main focus—ninety-nine percent of my work is about self-esteem—is finding your spiritual centre and getting the courage to go on and evolve instead of giving up.”

Our cultural evolution will take on a multitude of new shapes as we ride out the economic storms we’re currently experiencing and hopefully adapt with a set of values that is less concerned with the getting of stuff and more concerned with the experiences that we share. And so we go back to basics, to find the little things that make us feel connected to our spiritual centre and at peace. That is where comfort lies. From comfort springs hope and the courage to get out there and try again, whatever the circumstances.

I call it the god of small things because it’s never usually the big stuff that holds us together in tough times. It’s the small kindnesses from others, a moment of peace, a beautiful sky, something that makes you laugh out loud or a flash of insight that helps you see clearly that makes the difference when all around you seems cloudy and grey. It’s where you take refuge, where you find those moments when you feel most purely yourself, unconcerned with the turmoil of the outer world.

Obviously I’m of an introspective persuasion, so my comforts are often solitary ones – meditation, prayer, walking by the river – or purely sensory ones like enjoying the aroma of really great coffee, listening to the sound of the ocean or walking barefoot on the grass. In the Jungian sense, introverted people are refreshed by withdrawing into their own world and extroverted people are refreshed by social interaction. If you’re more extrovert, your touchstones that remind you who you are could be getting together with friends for a drink or going to a concert or event with lots of other like-minded people. In reality our behaviour encompasses a little of both, but when the chips are down, we naturally opt for one of those modes – introversion or extroversion.

This week, pay attention to how you recharge yourself. Are you naturally introverted or extroverted? If you’re not sure, ask yourself this question – if you were feeling completely exhausted, what would perk you up more: an afternoon of solitude or a lively event with lots of people and activities? If you come over all faint at the very thought of socialising under those circumstances, you’re clearly an introvert. If the company of others is just the ticket when you’re in need of some upliftment, then extroversion is your style.

Use that knowledge about how you refresh yourself and recharge to take a look at the small joys that make you feel in tune with yourself and your purpose. What are the simple things that really make you feel alive? When you know what they are, make a list and start doing them. Schedule time in your diary if you have to – just make sure you make your happiness a priority. These are challenging times and they’ll only be harder if you don’t retain a strong sense of self. When everyone around you is all doom and gloom, don’t catch that bug. Give yourself some spiritual immunity with the god of small things.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

Here Come The Girls

Don’t know about yours, but my weekend was an all-singing, all-dancing girlie extravaganza. It kicked off – literally – with Ladies’ Day at the rugby which rather curiously included something described as a burlesque performance, followed by a quick dose of my current addiction, Strictly Come Dancing, and an extraordinarily entertaining evening of sensual Arabic dancing. Are you sensing a theme here?

Understandably, none of us seemed particularly interested in the rugby – unless there was any promise of a player being stripped, washed and brought to our tent – so we concentrated on the entertainment to hand … that being a fashion show and a pair of pole dancers masquerading as burlesque queens. Now, there’s quite a difference between sporting an overdose of silicone and patent leather whilst gyrating lasciviously and truly being a diva of the burlesque scene. Everything about Dita Von Teese – the poster girl for the burlesque renaissance – says class, while everything about the sideshow we witnessed said low-rent.

What really brought it home, though, was watching the beauty and sensuality of Arabic dance. The female dancers had a sensuous confidence in their bodies that was mesmerising and the audience revelled in it, showing their enthusiastic appreciation of an incredibly seductive art form. The array of different body shapes on display was vast, yet each had their own unique beauty and power. And there was so much joy in the room, so much pleasure in creative performance, that it just made the rugby strippers look tawdry and cheap.

While the pole-dancers were claiming to teach women the art of seduction as a form of empowerment, it was still just about writhing around trying to get a man’s attention. For the Arabic dancers, though, it was clear that they took great pleasure in their own sensuality and their artistry, and felt very comfortable with their bodies, whatever their shape. Who needs Gok Wan to help you love your body when there’s a belly-dancing class near you? Find a good one where the teachers have a real love of the dance and you’ll be shaking your money-maker with joy and real abandon in no time!

In the sacred traditions, the feminine is associated with dance and from earliest times, that dance has been sensual and seductive. In India, sacred sculptures venerate the goddess Shakti, whose name means life energy, carrier of the sacred art of female sexuality, of transformation through sex. She has been known and served as sacred prostitute and temple dancer, uniting the physical and the spiritual, and is embodied in all women. In the Middle East she arose again as Ishtar and in Sumeria, as Inanna, she inspired erotic poetry. The Greeks called her Aphrodite and she was known as Venus in Rome. This archetypal feminine energy is still with us, but these days our goddesses appear more on the silver screen than in spiritual worship. Sadly, we’re a little short on cultural icons who are permitted to embody both spirituality and sensuality in our current worldview.

Yet the stage is set for a resurgence of a more powerful feminine sensuality that doesn’t exclude any aspect of life. We’ve separated ourselves from our own innate feminine wisdom to fit a cookie-cutter model of feminine behaviour for long enough to realise that it really hasn’t served us – or men, or the planet – well at all.

Jane Fonda, the radical feminist of the 70s, wrote recently “Before I turned 60, I thought I was a feminist. I was in a way – I worked to register women to vote, I supported getting women elected. I brought gender issues into my movie roles, I encouraged women to get strong and healthy, I read the books we’ve all read. I had it in my head and partly in my heart, yet I didn’t fully get it. See, although I’ve always been financially independent, and professionally and socially successful, behind the closed doors of my personal life I was still turning myself into a pretzel so I’d be loved by an alpha male. I thought if I didn’t become what he wanted me to be, I’d be alone, and then I wouldn’t exist.”

That’s quite a statement, and a brave one at that, to realise that despite all your achievements, you were still turning yourself inside out to please someone else. It just goes to show how we delude ourselves with outer appearance and mistake validation from the outside world for true confidence. Anything worthwhile must come from within, if you want it to stand the test of time.

Fonda is now promoting a feminine agenda that doesn’t seek to polarise masculine and feminine, but to carve a new path that honours both archetypal energies. She adds “So, as Eve Ensler says, we have to change the verbs from obliterate, dominate, humiliate to liberate, appreciate, celebrate. We have to make sure that head and heart can be reunited in the body politic, and relationship and democracy can be restored. We need to really understand the depth and breadth of what a shift to a new feminine paradigm would mean, how fundamentally central it is to every other thing in the world. We win, everything wins, including boys, men and the earth. We really have to understand this and be able to make it concrete for others so they will be able to really see what Feminism is and see themselves in it.”

This week, take a look at your own body politic – how is heart shaping up, versus head? Are they both getting a look-in or is calculating head winning over instinctive heart all the time? How comfortable do you feel in your own body? Been twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to get anyone’s approval lately? Time for a girlie MOT – how feminine do you feel and what would it take for you to feel that sensual life force alive in you?

Get your body moving – try something seductive like a salsa or a rumba if belly-dancing feels out of your comfort zone. Though quite why you’d want to hang out too long in a comfort zone is an issue in itself. This week get girlie and get fabulous, whatever femininity means to you. Explore it, mull over the concept of feminine power, spend an evening at a burlesque club … do whatever it takes to find that sacred feminine alive and well within you.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.

The Sound Of Paper

Sometimes it’s simply curious to hear a familiar concept out of context and other times it’s quite inspirational. Many of you will have heard of the seminal work on creativity by Julia Cameron, called The Artist’s Way, where the concept of Morning Pages first hit the mainstream, bringing creative journaling to the masses.

As Cameron describes it, “Morning Pages are the pivotal tool of a creative life. They are three pages longhand, morning writing, about anything and everything. You may complain, whine, grumble, grieve. You may hope, celebrate, plan, plot. Nothing is too small or too large to be included. Everything is grist for the mill.”

Developing the discipline to crank out three pages on a daily basis allows you to download bedhead fuzzy thinking, get past mindless brain-chatter and awaken your creative spirit. Oddly enough, of all the techniques I’ve recommended, this one is probably the hardest to do. The sheer level of resistance to getting anything down on paper stops most people in their tracks and those that get started are mortified by the petty grievances that work their way onto the page. However, only when you get past the dull stuff does the gold appear, so only those with perseverance make it to the bit where your intuition kicks in and starts to hand over the goodies.

Answering the question why we should do Morning Pages, Cameron responds “Morning Pages prioritise our day. They render us present to the moment. They introduce us to an unsuspected inner strength and agility. They draw our attention to those areas of life that need our focus. Both our weaknesses and our strengths will be gently revealed. Problems will be exposed and solutions suggested.” Moreover, she adds, “Morning Pages are a potent form of meditation for hyperactive Westerners. They amplify what spiritual seekers call the ‘still, small voice’. Work with the Morning Pages awakens our intuition. Synchronicity becomes a daily fact. We are more and more often in the right place at the right time. We know how to handle situations that once baffled us. In a very real sense, we become our own friend and witness. Morning Pages are the gateway to the inner and higher self. They bring us guidance and resilience. They make us far-seeing.”

It’s the witness part of Morning Pages that seems to crop up in its other guises that have come to my attention of late. Someone mentioned writing out three pages - and apparently it had to be exactly three pages – when deciding whether to end a relationship or not, which seemed to be an adaptation of the same concept. When you become witness to your own feelings and face them in black and white, it’s a lot more difficult to remain in denial and a lot easier to see graphically how you really feel. By the way, there’s no special magic in three pages, in case you’re wondering what that’s about. It’s just that it generally takes that long to get past the rubbish lurking about on the surface of your mind and tap into the creative wiring that lies beneath.

The other use I heard for the Morning Pages was as a diet journal. Apparently, when Cameron teaches The Artist’s Way and people participate in Morning Pages on an ongoing basis, they very often lose weight as they become conscious of their own feelings and inner dialogue. In her new book, The Writing Diet, Cameron encourages journaling beyond the bounds of simple Morning Pages, into an ongoing daily practice to become conscious of the link between mood and food. As she says, “The journal makes it very specific. It is a way of becoming accountable. Usually when people are overweight, they’re kind of vague about food. When you have the food journal, you can see ‘I did fine until 4 o’clock’. The food journal allows you to interrupt a binge. The minute you write in a journal, you become conscious of the direction you’re going.”

To be honest, there’s probably no issue that wouldn’t benefit from a journaling technique. Career decisions, relocation, problems with family or friends – they’re all potential material for Morning Pages or an ongoing daily journal if you’re looking for inspiration or clarity on your deeper feelings.

This week, pick an issue and go for it. Commit to either three Morning Pages daily for a week or to keep an emotional/creative journal throughout each day until the next I Am Fab rolls around. Watch out for resistance and the classic excuses, eg no time, I’ll do it later, one page will do … I’ve heard them all (and given them a good run myself – just because I love writing does not mean I’m immune from resistance). You never know, you might just find yourself loving this technique and keeping it up on a regular basis. Or you might adapt it in a totally different way.

What’s important is giving it the space to do it properly in the first place, so Morning Pages can work their unique charm in freeing up blocked psyches. Julia Cameron’s been doing this for 20 years and specialises in working with professionals who suffer from writer’s block, so I think we can trust that she knows what she’s talking about. Do yourself a favour and get the paper party started. You’ll be in celebrated company. So as the auteur Jean Cocteau famously said, “We writers are fabulous creatures!”

While we're on the subject of creativity, here's an inspiring short film film – Mankind Is No Island – shot entirely on video camera phone, using typography and simple imagery, that's just won the first prize at the Tropfest short film festival in New York.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrDxe9gK8Gk

If you're looking for IAF archives, they now have a new home, as AOL has closed down its blog hosting. You can now go to Fab Central on the link below and catch up with all the archived entries.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column archive by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. The I Am Fabulous archives can now be found at http://fabcentral.blogspot.com. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author.